Friday, August 24, 2012
731 Days
It has been 731 days since Erik left his home here on earth to reside for eternity in Heaven with Jesus Christ. 731.... I didn't even think I would be able to live 1 day without him...but here I am...I have lived 700 days longer than I ever thought possible. So how did I make it this far? It has only been with the strength that I have received through Jesus Christ. That is the only way that I can explain to you how I have carried on. I can only give Him the glory for the story that is being written. It is only through Him that I have found purpose and meaning and the will to go on. Has it been an easy journey? Not at all. It has been a long journey with many bumps along the way. And the journey is not over. It won't be over until I too am called to my eternal home. But by His grace, He has provided for me and for my children. He has taken the brokenness and the ashes and is turning them into something beautiful. Something that only He can receive the credit for. I praise Him for that provision. I praise Him for all the amazing people that have been a part of this journey. I praise Him that He is the God who heals. There is a jar in Heaven with my name on it and He is gathering all my tears and putting them inside. He is restoring to me joy everlasting. I have been blessed beyond measure. To have been blessed with love once is amazing, but to find it twice is a miracle. Those words echo in my mind. Words typed to me today by my one and only sister. How true are those words. Sorrow is a very personal journey. No one experiences this loss the same. Time will not erase the pain, but it will only make it easier to endure. Erik will be missed by me until the day I die. But I will press on. I will cling to the Truth that sets me free. I will trust in the Only One who can truly bring me through this horrible pit. Life is so short and so precious. We are not promised tomorrow. We are not promised the next moment. We only have right now. Make it count. And if you don't know the Giver of all life... He is waiting to embrace you. You are only here because of Him. I will praise Him with all that I am and all that I have...even through grief and sadness. He works all things together for good and I will believe that! Psalm 73:1 begins with these 4 words, "Truly God is good..." Yes He is!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The Hole
Just below the surface of a broken heart lies raw emotions that are dormant...waiting to come alive....
Many things can stir those emotions and bring them up to the surface. For my kids, it was the amazing bereavement camp they attended this past weekend that seemed to stir up a lot of different emotions. Not for them I might add, but for myself and Norm as well. Grief can be an ugly thing to have to face. There is no way to sugar coat it. What my kids feel is real and raw. I can't fix it, take it, get rid of it, or carry it for them. That in itself can be very hard for me as a parent. We don't want our kids to hurt. I don't want my kids to be without their daddy. But they are. He isn't coming back. It is not like a movie. We can't hit the rewind button. We can only go forward from here. Learning how to do that is a process. Grief is a journey. What I am about to share in this post may be hard for some to read. It is hard for me to write. It is even harder to live. But I have always believed that God is using our story for His glory. I pray that it only encourages others and points the way to Him.
It seems that camp stirred up a lot of different things for each of us. For Ryan, it stirred up more of his anger. He has been the most angry since Erik's death. Totally understandable! But I want to help him learn how to overcome the anger so that it doesn't overcome him. I don't want him to grow up to be an angry man, husband, and father. Anger is like a cancer that can slowly eat away at you. I don't have all the answers, but I am trying to learn how to help him on this journey. I am angry too. I am angry that God allowed Erik to die so young. I am angry that my kids have to grow up without him. I am angry that Erik is no longer on this earth. He was such a good man! A good friend, a good worker, a good husband, a good father. When I see how his death has hurt my kids: I am angry! But I must learn how to not let my anger rule over me. It takes time. It doesn't go away with the snap of a finger. One thing I have discovered is that grief is never-ending. It will never go away. It will always be there in some form in our lives. It is a hole that can never be filled....
That brings me to my next point:"The Hole". The empty space that remains where Erik used to be. Valerie is the one who came up with this picture. She is wise beyond her years. She never ceases to amaze me. God continues to use her in my life to help me on my journey. No matter what it is we are doing in this life, Erik will never be there to be a part of it. That reality breaks my heart. Allow me to share hear from my Face book page:
Many things can stir those emotions and bring them up to the surface. For my kids, it was the amazing bereavement camp they attended this past weekend that seemed to stir up a lot of different emotions. Not for them I might add, but for myself and Norm as well. Grief can be an ugly thing to have to face. There is no way to sugar coat it. What my kids feel is real and raw. I can't fix it, take it, get rid of it, or carry it for them. That in itself can be very hard for me as a parent. We don't want our kids to hurt. I don't want my kids to be without their daddy. But they are. He isn't coming back. It is not like a movie. We can't hit the rewind button. We can only go forward from here. Learning how to do that is a process. Grief is a journey. What I am about to share in this post may be hard for some to read. It is hard for me to write. It is even harder to live. But I have always believed that God is using our story for His glory. I pray that it only encourages others and points the way to Him.
It seems that camp stirred up a lot of different things for each of us. For Ryan, it stirred up more of his anger. He has been the most angry since Erik's death. Totally understandable! But I want to help him learn how to overcome the anger so that it doesn't overcome him. I don't want him to grow up to be an angry man, husband, and father. Anger is like a cancer that can slowly eat away at you. I don't have all the answers, but I am trying to learn how to help him on this journey. I am angry too. I am angry that God allowed Erik to die so young. I am angry that my kids have to grow up without him. I am angry that Erik is no longer on this earth. He was such a good man! A good friend, a good worker, a good husband, a good father. When I see how his death has hurt my kids: I am angry! But I must learn how to not let my anger rule over me. It takes time. It doesn't go away with the snap of a finger. One thing I have discovered is that grief is never-ending. It will never go away. It will always be there in some form in our lives. It is a hole that can never be filled....
That brings me to my next point:"The Hole". The empty space that remains where Erik used to be. Valerie is the one who came up with this picture. She is wise beyond her years. She never ceases to amaze me. God continues to use her in my life to help me on my journey. No matter what it is we are doing in this life, Erik will never be there to be a part of it. That reality breaks my heart. Allow me to share hear from my Face book page:
Wrote this song and/or poem as I ponder something Valerie said to me recently. When talking about her new life, now that her precious daddy is gone, she talked about there being sad in everything. And then she said that there was a hole in everything without him. In her words," We can go to Canobie Lake Park, but Daddy isn't there to have fun with us, and we can laugh, but he isn't here to laugh with us." Those words just about shattered my heart. I hate that my kids must endure this pain the rest of their lives. The pain I feel in my heart for them is so overwhelming. Grief is a journey that is full of ups and downs and bumps and bruises. It doesn't get easier, you just learn how to live with it (if that's possible). I never thought this would happen to my family....
There's a hole in my heart
It's been here since you went away
Nothing seems to be able to fill it up
Just have to learn to live with it every day
We can laugh
But you won't be there to laugh with us
We can play
But you won't be there to join us
We can cry
But you won't be there to hold us
We can learn
But you won't be there to teach us
We can live
But you won't be there to see us
There's a hole in everything
Nothing's as it used to be
There's still a me but there's no you
How can I ever make it through?
There's a hole in everything I do
The truth is, the hole will never go away. At games, graduations, weddings, funerals, amusement parks, birthday parties, Superbowls, movies, whatever: Erik will NEVER be there to experience it with us! He won't be in any of the photographs. He won't walk Valerie down the isle or hold her in his arms for their dance. How do you get through that? I am not sure. I don't have all the answers. We will face those milestones as they come. We will face them together and with God's help. That is all we can do.
The days following camp have been hard on Dan as well. Last night he just couldn't stop crying. My heart aches for him. He is so sweet and caring. His heart is so tender. He has been having a rough streak in baseball and it has really taken a toll on him. He has also been struggling with school. Academically he is doing excellent! But the garbage and filth that surrounds him there is really bothering him. All the swearing from kids and kids teasing him for just being Dan...really upsets me. You see in 7th grade I guess it isn't "cool" to be nice to girls or to autistic kids. I am so proud of who Daniel is! I am proud that he is nice to everyone! I pray that God would shut the mouths of the lions in his life for him!
It has been a rough road for my kids. They have had so much change in such a short amount of time. So much is different now. I know that they miss their old lives. I know that they miss Erik every moment of every day. They always will. Now we are faced with learning how to deal with what is in front of us. Allowing God to use us for His glory. Remaining who we always were in Christ before this happened to us. It has not been an easy journey. I am thankful that Comfort Zone Camp was able to stir up all these emotions so that we can embrace them and learn how to deal with them.
I am sad for "The Hole" that still remains. It is in my heart and in my life as well. I have never stopped missing or loving Erik. I never will. There will always be a hole in my life without him. This is my journey on learning how to live with that....
Friday, May 25, 2012
A Window in Time
It is interesting to me to see this beautiful story of mine unfold. It is neat to be a witness of the small little pieces that begin to fit together to make the puzzle whole. There is a part of my story that I have never shared before. I was reminded of it yesterday as I sat and visited with a dear friend who was used by God to be a part of this beautiful story! Her name is Jenn and she is a faithful and obedient woman of God. I say this because, if she was not obedient to God when He placed on her heart what He wanted her to pray for me, perhaps a different story would be being told. She was obedient when it did not make sense to her and when she had no idea of the beautiful story that was about to take place in my life! Allow me to share her part with you now.
Shortly after hearing the news that Erik had died, (even before the funeral people!) God told Jenn to pray that a man would come into my life for me to love and be a wife to! You see, Jenn just knew in her heart that I was created to be a wife and God kept confirming that to her! That is what I do best and love the most! She is so right!!! After Erik died I was so lost and so sad. I LOVED being his wife! I loved serving him, caring for him, and loving him. It was my deepest passion! So Jenn was troubled for me. Even though to her it did not make sense or feel appropriate to pray that prayer for me at the very beginning of my grief, she obeyed God and did it anyway! Yesterday as her and I were talking and reflecting on this, she had a huge revelation from God! It was an incredible moment in time that I will never forget! She was telling me how weird it was for her to be praying that for me because she knew at the time I would have been angry and would have refused to believe that there would ever be another man in my life for me to love. And just then it hit her! There was only a small window of time for my heart and then it would be closed forever and I probably would have driven off the road with my kids in the van. You see, during the early stages of losing Erik, that is exactly what I wanted to do. I felt that I could not go on another moment. I couldn't take watching my kids suffer such deep pain. Even when Norm was first in my life, I struggled with these thoughts. Jenn was overwhelmed at this thought, as was I. To the world,it probably seemed very sudden that I was seeing someone new. But to God, it was perfect timing! He knew what I needed when I needed it! 40 days after Erik died, Norm came over to my house for the very first time. I felt something that very day. I was so scared by what I felt and I couldn't understand it. But you see!!!! God knew! He knew Norm and I were destined to be together! He knew that meeting him and falling in love with him needed to happen when it did! 40 days!!!!!!! To those of you who are Bible scholars, you will see how significant this number is! Looking this up online I found this about the number 40: It is related to a time of testing and ends with a blessing! Wow! Think about that for a minute! Jenn had no idea what God was doing in my life! She had no idea that 40 days after Erik's death her prayers would be answered!
So the revelation Jenn had yesterday about a "window" into my heart was so very true! A 40 day window I guess you could say!!! That is why right away God pressed in hard on Jenn's heart to pray for me! A lesson we can all learn from this: if God places something on your heart to pray no matter how strange it is: PRAY IT! You may be just the vessel God is wanting to use in their story!!!!!! Thank you Jenn for being a HUGE part of my beautiful story!
Shortly after hearing the news that Erik had died, (even before the funeral people!) God told Jenn to pray that a man would come into my life for me to love and be a wife to! You see, Jenn just knew in her heart that I was created to be a wife and God kept confirming that to her! That is what I do best and love the most! She is so right!!! After Erik died I was so lost and so sad. I LOVED being his wife! I loved serving him, caring for him, and loving him. It was my deepest passion! So Jenn was troubled for me. Even though to her it did not make sense or feel appropriate to pray that prayer for me at the very beginning of my grief, she obeyed God and did it anyway! Yesterday as her and I were talking and reflecting on this, she had a huge revelation from God! It was an incredible moment in time that I will never forget! She was telling me how weird it was for her to be praying that for me because she knew at the time I would have been angry and would have refused to believe that there would ever be another man in my life for me to love. And just then it hit her! There was only a small window of time for my heart and then it would be closed forever and I probably would have driven off the road with my kids in the van. You see, during the early stages of losing Erik, that is exactly what I wanted to do. I felt that I could not go on another moment. I couldn't take watching my kids suffer such deep pain. Even when Norm was first in my life, I struggled with these thoughts. Jenn was overwhelmed at this thought, as was I. To the world,it probably seemed very sudden that I was seeing someone new. But to God, it was perfect timing! He knew what I needed when I needed it! 40 days after Erik died, Norm came over to my house for the very first time. I felt something that very day. I was so scared by what I felt and I couldn't understand it. But you see!!!! God knew! He knew Norm and I were destined to be together! He knew that meeting him and falling in love with him needed to happen when it did! 40 days!!!!!!! To those of you who are Bible scholars, you will see how significant this number is! Looking this up online I found this about the number 40: It is related to a time of testing and ends with a blessing! Wow! Think about that for a minute! Jenn had no idea what God was doing in my life! She had no idea that 40 days after Erik's death her prayers would be answered!
So the revelation Jenn had yesterday about a "window" into my heart was so very true! A 40 day window I guess you could say!!! That is why right away God pressed in hard on Jenn's heart to pray for me! A lesson we can all learn from this: if God places something on your heart to pray no matter how strange it is: PRAY IT! You may be just the vessel God is wanting to use in their story!!!!!! Thank you Jenn for being a HUGE part of my beautiful story!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Cleaning & Healing
Cleaning can be exhausting physically, but did you know it could also be emotionally draining as well? Since I moved into my new house here with my new husband, I haven't really unpacked all my things. With so much going on, it just got put on the back burner. But the clutter continued to pile up and I had had enough! So, this past week, I started tackling the clutter and the boxes. I wasn't expecting this time to be one of tears though. But, you forget about certain things until you come across them in a box. In those boxes were pictures of Erik and of a life from long ago. Papers written on, pictures drawn from my kids. Books I used to read to the kids, Bible studies I have gone to, Marriage conferences Erik and I attended, home school books I once used, and so much more. I started cleaning on what would have been my dad's 72nd birthday. I found so many memories of him too. Some things would just send me into a crying heap on the floor. Some things took me by surprise. At the end of the first day, I was emotionally spent. When Norm came home, he embraced me and I just started crying. He is so tender and caring. He poured me a nice glass of wine and gave me a nice back rub!! What a great way to end an exhausting day.
Day 2 of cleaning brought with more emotions, but I feel like I was better prepared! It was more papers than pictures I discovered as I cleaned out drawers full of stuff! I filled a large box full of trash! Funny how we tend to hold onto things! But each time we clean, it seems to get easier to throw things away. Of course the hardest things for me to come across are bills from Erik's death or things related to the funeral. It is still so hard to believe he is gone! And getting rid of home school books and the desks my kids once used was also very hard for me. The thought that I will never teach them again is too hard to think about sometimes. I miss the days when we were all together all day long! My life is just so different now.... not that different is bad... it is just different.
Discovering these memories made me very thankful for so many things. Thankful that we did the things we did. Thankful that I saved all those precious moments in time. It also made me thankful for where I am today. I have truly been blessed beyond measure! I have a wonderful new husband that wants to experience those memories with me. He wants pictures of Erik to be hung in the house for all to see! That means so much to me! He is just so loving and caring! I know deep in my heart that we were created to be together! We complete each other! He is a great man and I know Erik would be so happy that he is the man God chose to love and care for us! I am also thankful for the 2 young men that are my step sons! They are such a great addition to my life and to my heart! I am honored to be their step mother and to be able to love them and care for them also.
So with my cleaning, also came a stage in my healing. I was able to look at my past, but also able to SEE my future. I know that God had a greater purpose in taking Erik home to be with Him. I know that God always intended for Norm and I to be together. It is just the way the story was written by God! He is the Author and Finisher of life! That means more to me now than it ever did before!!!!!! So I will cling to that in the hard moments of life.
I challenge you, my reader, what is waiting for you to "clean out"? Is there a room in your house or your heart that needs some de-cluttering? When we begin to remove the clutter, we are better able to SEE more clearly what God is doing in our lives! Maybe today is your day! Be blessed!!!!!!
Day 2 of cleaning brought with more emotions, but I feel like I was better prepared! It was more papers than pictures I discovered as I cleaned out drawers full of stuff! I filled a large box full of trash! Funny how we tend to hold onto things! But each time we clean, it seems to get easier to throw things away. Of course the hardest things for me to come across are bills from Erik's death or things related to the funeral. It is still so hard to believe he is gone! And getting rid of home school books and the desks my kids once used was also very hard for me. The thought that I will never teach them again is too hard to think about sometimes. I miss the days when we were all together all day long! My life is just so different now.... not that different is bad... it is just different.
Discovering these memories made me very thankful for so many things. Thankful that we did the things we did. Thankful that I saved all those precious moments in time. It also made me thankful for where I am today. I have truly been blessed beyond measure! I have a wonderful new husband that wants to experience those memories with me. He wants pictures of Erik to be hung in the house for all to see! That means so much to me! He is just so loving and caring! I know deep in my heart that we were created to be together! We complete each other! He is a great man and I know Erik would be so happy that he is the man God chose to love and care for us! I am also thankful for the 2 young men that are my step sons! They are such a great addition to my life and to my heart! I am honored to be their step mother and to be able to love them and care for them also.
So with my cleaning, also came a stage in my healing. I was able to look at my past, but also able to SEE my future. I know that God had a greater purpose in taking Erik home to be with Him. I know that God always intended for Norm and I to be together. It is just the way the story was written by God! He is the Author and Finisher of life! That means more to me now than it ever did before!!!!!! So I will cling to that in the hard moments of life.
I challenge you, my reader, what is waiting for you to "clean out"? Is there a room in your house or your heart that needs some de-cluttering? When we begin to remove the clutter, we are better able to SEE more clearly what God is doing in our lives! Maybe today is your day! Be blessed!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Stones of Remembrance
Talking with a dear friend yesterday, an idea really struck me. She was talking about how when Joshua was traveling, God wanted him to set up stones to remember what He had done. Sometimes we need reminders because we can really get lost and caught up in all the negative things in this life. When you are in the midst of troubling circumstances, it can be really hard to focus on the good that God has done in your life. When you have continued hardships, it can almost become impossible to remember the good. It is good for me to get together with friends and talk about my story and all that God has done. It really helps me to remember the amazing things that God has done in the midst of my pain and sadness. To see how far He has brought me. To see the amazing way that He chose to heal me and the kids. It makes me love Him more. It makes me appreciate Norm even more. What an amazing gift from God Norm is to my life and the life of my kids. I am so thankful! I also look back and remember how God used some really amazing people to minister to me through my journey of grief. Today I want to place them as stones on my blog as a remembrance and a memorial:
* Russ: for dropping everything (including 3 days of work) to be with me and the kids. Your presence meant more to me than you may ever know. I am so glad that you are my "brother"!
*Selina: For driving an hour in the middle of night just to come and hug me! No words necessary!
* Kim and Scott: For just being there! For driving me to the ER...for hugging me just cuz, for popping in to make sure I was okay... I felt safe knowing you were right next door!
*Th: Where do I begin... for getting on a plane to be with me! For answering the phone, holding me close, wiping away my snot and tears, suggesting Waterboy so we could all enjoy a laugh..for being the BEST sister EVER!
* Sue: shopping, cooking, the use of your camper... your love touched my heart deeply!
* Leanne: helping Sue with the above! :) And your hugs!
*Ma: It may seem small and insignificant to you, but the times you came and just cleaned up my house, played a game with the kids, and the money you send; these all mean so very much to me! Thank you!
*Cheryl: No hesitation to get on the plane and spend a week with me! Couldn't have made it through without you! I love you my BFF forever!
*Melissa: You amaze me! Your presence at just the right time... holding me in your arms... you know exactly what you did for me! Thank you for being Jesus here on earth for me! I love you so very much! You saw the rawest part of my grief...
*Deanne: coming a long way after not even being in my life for a long time... and cutting my kids' hair..it seemed small, but it was HUGE! Thank you again!
*Patrice: Thank you for remembering Erik's birthday and sending me that card! I will never forget it!
*Marsha: your cards, your love, your prayers....
*Cheryl: Your continued support.. letting be real with you.. I love you my dear friend...thank you for always being a phone call away!
*Stevie: Where do I begin "Bestie"?? Your continued support has carried me through this journey these past 20 months! Your hugs, your honesty, your love, your smile... I love you more than words can ever say!
*Kristen: Our weekly "dates" were such an encouragement to me in the beginning of my journey. I looked forward to seeing you everytime! You were a breath of fresh air to my hurting soul! Even though our dates are no longer weekly... God is still using you in my life! I love you girl!!!
There are more "stones", but that is for another time to remember! These were the stones at the top of my heart today! It feels so great to list them here! My biggest stone is about to come home from work! Talking about him today, and our story, only made me fall in love with him all over again! I am truly thankful that God placed Norm in my life!
Take some time now to write out your own stones! You will be amazed at the renewed joy it will bring to your heart!
* Russ: for dropping everything (including 3 days of work) to be with me and the kids. Your presence meant more to me than you may ever know. I am so glad that you are my "brother"!
*Selina: For driving an hour in the middle of night just to come and hug me! No words necessary!
* Kim and Scott: For just being there! For driving me to the ER...for hugging me just cuz, for popping in to make sure I was okay... I felt safe knowing you were right next door!
*Th: Where do I begin... for getting on a plane to be with me! For answering the phone, holding me close, wiping away my snot and tears, suggesting Waterboy so we could all enjoy a laugh..for being the BEST sister EVER!
* Sue: shopping, cooking, the use of your camper... your love touched my heart deeply!
* Leanne: helping Sue with the above! :) And your hugs!
*Ma: It may seem small and insignificant to you, but the times you came and just cleaned up my house, played a game with the kids, and the money you send; these all mean so very much to me! Thank you!
*Cheryl: No hesitation to get on the plane and spend a week with me! Couldn't have made it through without you! I love you my BFF forever!
*Melissa: You amaze me! Your presence at just the right time... holding me in your arms... you know exactly what you did for me! Thank you for being Jesus here on earth for me! I love you so very much! You saw the rawest part of my grief...
*Deanne: coming a long way after not even being in my life for a long time... and cutting my kids' hair..it seemed small, but it was HUGE! Thank you again!
*Patrice: Thank you for remembering Erik's birthday and sending me that card! I will never forget it!
*Marsha: your cards, your love, your prayers....
*Cheryl: Your continued support.. letting be real with you.. I love you my dear friend...thank you for always being a phone call away!
*Stevie: Where do I begin "Bestie"?? Your continued support has carried me through this journey these past 20 months! Your hugs, your honesty, your love, your smile... I love you more than words can ever say!
*Kristen: Our weekly "dates" were such an encouragement to me in the beginning of my journey. I looked forward to seeing you everytime! You were a breath of fresh air to my hurting soul! Even though our dates are no longer weekly... God is still using you in my life! I love you girl!!!
There are more "stones", but that is for another time to remember! These were the stones at the top of my heart today! It feels so great to list them here! My biggest stone is about to come home from work! Talking about him today, and our story, only made me fall in love with him all over again! I am truly thankful that God placed Norm in my life!
Take some time now to write out your own stones! You will be amazed at the renewed joy it will bring to your heart!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Life Experiences
On my way to taking Valerie to school this morning, she told me about a paper she had to write in school. It was about an experience that changed your life. You had to talk about how you adapted, etc. I was a bit surprised when she told me that she didn't write about her daddy dying. She said it would have made her sad all day and she didn't feel comfortable writing about it. She chose to write about our move to Pelham. She said she wrote about throwing things away to adapt to her new room, going to school, etc. What she said next really makes me think. She said that a lot of kids didn't have anything to write about it. Truth is, at the age of 10 most kids don't have a huge experience that has changed their lives. Valerie has had MANY! Not just one life changing experience, but several. What amazes me the most is how strong she is. How she truly has adapted to these changes in her life. She is such an encouragement to me. She is much wiser than a typical 10 year old. We have conversations and I feel as if I am talking to a woman. Interesting that her name means "strong". Coincidence? I think not! God knew when He placed her in my womb who she was going to be. He knew all the life experiences she would face. I am certain she will have many, many more life changing experiences. I stand in amazement at how she faces these challenges. Even the day after Erik died she was strong. As I lay there in the fetal position crying, she came and sat with me, opened up her Bible and read Psalm 138 to me. God continues to use her in my life on the journey I have been on since I encountered my biggest life changing experience. Time and time again I am left speechless at her wisdom. I am learning so much about life from her! I am so thankful that she has allowed her life experiences to grow her and not to utterly crush her. She has such a positive outlook on life. One that I am trying to grasp for myself. I know that God is going to use her in a mighty way throughout her life. I know that she will be able to encourage many as they face challenges that devastate them. Today I write this to encourage you (and myself) to think about how you adapt to life experiences and changes. Change can be very hard (especially for me). There is a song by Kutless called "Changing World" and one of the lines says "There's nothing wrong with my changing world, though something's gone, there's nothing wrong with my changing world". That is actually my ring tone when Norm calls my cell phone. It is a continual reminder to me. My life has been changed drastically, but that doesn't mean it is wrong. It is just different now and I have to learn to adapt.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
COLLISION
I heard a new song the other day by Mercy Me. It is called The Hurt and the Healer. It really spoke to me right where I was at that day. It felt as if the song was penned just for me. It is cool how God always seems to use music in my life. He knows just what I need to hear and how I need to hear it. Through the years He has used music in very powerful ways in my life. Music has helped me in the healing process time and time again. One of the lines in the song says this: "Where the hurt and the Healer collide." That is what is taking place in my life. My hurt is on a collision course to the only One who can truly heal my broken heart. This collision is not an easy one to endure.
To an outsider it may appear that my hurt is all gone. Sometimes I think that people must think that because I remarried, I must not be sad anymore. Well, unless you have suffered a loss such as this one, you may not understand the ups and downs of it all. Although I have moved forward and fallen in love with someone else, I am still very much in love with Erik. I miss him everyday. My heart still hurts when I look at pictures of him. I ache when I see a dad and his children. I hurt beyond measure when one of my children is sad about their daddy. At times I can crash at the thought of all that is lost. Flashbacks of his death haunt me.
Grief is a journey to be traveled a life time. I don't believe that I will ever truly be "over" his death. I believe I will always miss him and forever love him. Throughout my life there will be milestone moments that he will not be a part of. I know my heart will ache when my kids graduate and marry. When my first grandchild is born, I know I will cry tears that are so bittersweet. So many things he will miss. My heart aches for my kids and how they will cope with those moments in their lives when their daddy isn't there.
When I married Norm is wasn't "The End" to my pain and suffering. This story isn't finished yet. If I were to write a book about this Beautiful story, I wouldn't end it that way at the end of the pages. My story may not even end with my death. Perhaps it will continue long after I am gone. Maybe it isn't a story at all, but a legacy. That is something to think about.
I truly do not understand why God chose me for this. Why He chose me to endure so much pain. At times I can feel really angry about it. At times I find myself saying to Him that I don't want to be like Job. "For such a time as this"....words to Esther... perhaps I may never know why. Maybe if I knew I still wouldn't understand. But for now, all I can do is allow the Healer to heal me. Allow the collision to take place.Yield to His loving embrace.
Click on the link below to hear the new song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0
To an outsider it may appear that my hurt is all gone. Sometimes I think that people must think that because I remarried, I must not be sad anymore. Well, unless you have suffered a loss such as this one, you may not understand the ups and downs of it all. Although I have moved forward and fallen in love with someone else, I am still very much in love with Erik. I miss him everyday. My heart still hurts when I look at pictures of him. I ache when I see a dad and his children. I hurt beyond measure when one of my children is sad about their daddy. At times I can crash at the thought of all that is lost. Flashbacks of his death haunt me.
Grief is a journey to be traveled a life time. I don't believe that I will ever truly be "over" his death. I believe I will always miss him and forever love him. Throughout my life there will be milestone moments that he will not be a part of. I know my heart will ache when my kids graduate and marry. When my first grandchild is born, I know I will cry tears that are so bittersweet. So many things he will miss. My heart aches for my kids and how they will cope with those moments in their lives when their daddy isn't there.
When I married Norm is wasn't "The End" to my pain and suffering. This story isn't finished yet. If I were to write a book about this Beautiful story, I wouldn't end it that way at the end of the pages. My story may not even end with my death. Perhaps it will continue long after I am gone. Maybe it isn't a story at all, but a legacy. That is something to think about.
I truly do not understand why God chose me for this. Why He chose me to endure so much pain. At times I can feel really angry about it. At times I find myself saying to Him that I don't want to be like Job. "For such a time as this"....words to Esther... perhaps I may never know why. Maybe if I knew I still wouldn't understand. But for now, all I can do is allow the Healer to heal me. Allow the collision to take place.Yield to His loving embrace.
Click on the link below to hear the new song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0
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