I heard a new song the other day by Mercy Me. It is called The Hurt and the Healer. It really spoke to me right where I was at that day. It felt as if the song was penned just for me. It is cool how God always seems to use music in my life. He knows just what I need to hear and how I need to hear it. Through the years He has used music in very powerful ways in my life. Music has helped me in the healing process time and time again. One of the lines in the song says this: "Where the hurt and the Healer collide." That is what is taking place in my life. My hurt is on a collision course to the only One who can truly heal my broken heart. This collision is not an easy one to endure.
To an outsider it may appear that my hurt is all gone. Sometimes I think that people must think that because I remarried, I must not be sad anymore. Well, unless you have suffered a loss such as this one, you may not understand the ups and downs of it all. Although I have moved forward and fallen in love with someone else, I am still very much in love with Erik. I miss him everyday. My heart still hurts when I look at pictures of him. I ache when I see a dad and his children. I hurt beyond measure when one of my children is sad about their daddy. At times I can crash at the thought of all that is lost. Flashbacks of his death haunt me.
Grief is a journey to be traveled a life time. I don't believe that I will ever truly be "over" his death. I believe I will always miss him and forever love him. Throughout my life there will be milestone moments that he will not be a part of. I know my heart will ache when my kids graduate and marry. When my first grandchild is born, I know I will cry tears that are so bittersweet. So many things he will miss. My heart aches for my kids and how they will cope with those moments in their lives when their daddy isn't there.
When I married Norm is wasn't "The End" to my pain and suffering. This story isn't finished yet. If I were to write a book about this Beautiful story, I wouldn't end it that way at the end of the pages. My story may not even end with my death. Perhaps it will continue long after I am gone. Maybe it isn't a story at all, but a legacy. That is something to think about.
I truly do not understand why God chose me for this. Why He chose me to endure so much pain. At times I can feel really angry about it. At times I find myself saying to Him that I don't want to be like Job. "For such a time as this"....words to Esther... perhaps I may never know why. Maybe if I knew I still wouldn't understand. But for now, all I can do is allow the Healer to heal me. Allow the collision to take place.Yield to His loving embrace.
Click on the link below to hear the new song.