My Beautiful Story

"Emerging from the ashes to embrace the beauty..."

Saturday, December 22, 2012

In Life, There is Death

 How much is too much? How much pain must one person endure? Is there ever a point when enough is enough? What purpose can trauma serve? These questions are flooding my mind this morning... In the dark hours of the early morning, I lay awake in my bed and couldn't sleep. The events of the night unfolding in my mind. Images of horror that grip my heart and keep me from sleeping. Thinking about my daughter and all the trauma she has endured in her very short life....
 When Valerie was just 5 years old, her precious grandmother died. It was heartbreaking to see her and her brothers so very sad. Then, just a few years later, her grandpa died. This had a bigger impact as he lived with us for over 2 years and they were very close. At his funeral, Valerie recited from memory the entire 139th Psalm. I was amazed at her strength. And then of course, just 9 months later, she would run out in her pj's to find her daddy lying in the driveway dead...
 And you would think...that is enough for such a young girl to take... she was 3 weeks shy of her 9th birthday when her daddy passed away....
 But then she would have to endure saying goodbye to her beloved horse, Cupcake. Not once, but twice. The first time was of course, when we had to get rid of our horses and our farm due to Erik's death. It was so hard... And then, my horse died....and then, her gerbil died a tragic death by the claws of our beloved cat! ( I must also add that between my dad and her dad dying, one of her first little gerbils died)  And then, our kitty died....and then her beloved horse had to be put down... saying goodbye that day was one of the hardest moments I have had to witness.... and then, our dog died....and just about 2 months ago, another one of Valerie's little gerbils died..... 
 But last night was the icing on the cake (so to speak).... Not only was her favorite newest little gerbil dead, but the other gerbil instinctively had begun to eat it. Seriously?!?!?! It was like a horror scene from a movie! Valerie's blood curdling screams filled the house...my heart sank... I ran... it was AWFUL! How could this happen????? It is bad enough when they die, but this?!?! It was just too much to take! The image is burned into my memory forever.... Flips was such a cute gerbil. Valerie loves them all so much. They are not just rodents to her.... they are her family.... and now the other gerbil isn't looking too good. Not sure if eating it's friend has left it dying.... 
 Oh, and let's not forget...Christmas is just 3 days away....( a holiday that is already going to be tough to endure!!!! )
That elephant that sits on my chest that I wrote about in my previous entry; well it is now stomping on my chest! 
 I am not sure I will be able to end this entry on any kind of a positive note... all I can say is this:
In life, there is death. There is a cute side to gerbils and there is a very ugly side.... I cannot protect my daughter from pain and suffering... I can only hold her as she sobs and screams....  I pray she is able to erase that horrible image! I pray she overcomes her fear of entering her room..... I pray that we can somehow make some sense of all of this.... 
 I know that her name means "strong".... and  I hope she continues to be......................

Friday, December 7, 2012

The Weight of Grief

 Is it possible to measure the weight of grief? In what terms could we measure it so that people could understand? 
 Before I drifted off to sleep last night, my heart was heavy... My cheeks were hot with the stream of my tears... My mind was full of so many questions that I do not fully have the answers for... I was gripped with the pain of watching my kids grieve the loss of their beloved daddy... A pain I cannot carry for them or take from them completely. 
 If I could measure my grief for you I would have to use the following terms and analogies:

Crushing: It feels like my heart is on the verge of breaking into a million pieces...
An elephant is sitting on my chest: There is no other way to describe the heavy weight that seems to sit on my chest as I cry; a weight that feels inescapable. I mean think about how much an elephant weighs...at least 2 tons! If he was sitting on your chest, you would not be able to escape! And that is grief.., it is truly a pain we cannot escape... 
Overwhelming: The pain can be very intense and can seem to overpower me at times...
Unbearable: Thinking about the pain my kids are going through can feel impossible to endure at times...it feels like I just won't be able to go on...

All of these terms of measurement seem so negative and discouraging... they seem hopeless... and yet... I continue and have hope... How? you ask?

GRACE...

 Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings? Do you recall the scene in which Frodo is being crushed under the "load" he must carry? Do you recall what Samwise said to him? "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.".... It is GRACE that has carried me as I carry the load. GRACE has come through many forms for me on my journey...my sister, my friends, Norm, my children, prayers of many, and the greatest GRACE of all: God. It is in turn that I will be that GRACE for my children. While I cannot carry their grief for them, I can carry them in the process. I carry them in my prayers, I carry them with my words of encouragement, and I carry them in my tears...

 The hardest part of my grief journey has not been my own pain or grief. It has been the fact that I am but a bystander to my children's grief. As a parent we want to protect our children from pain. If you are a parent, you know exactly what I mean. But the reality that I have come to know is this: their pain is theirs to carry. Nothing I can say or do will ever remove it from their lives. I believe the ultimate pain for any parent is to be that bystander... I think of the movie, The Passion. The scene is when Jesus was dying on the cross. It was a pain He had to endure... the camera goes overhead for us to see the view from what I believe is God, the Father's perspective... and from there all He could do was watch His Son endure this pain... and then we see a single tear escape from Heaven... and then the earth shook! That is the only way I can try to explain my pain to you... it is a pain I do not wish on any other parent... 

 So, I cannot take away another's pain or carry their load... but with GRACE perhaps I can carry them...