My Beautiful Story

"Emerging from the ashes to embrace the beauty..."

Friday, March 23, 2012

Life Experiences

On my way to taking Valerie to school this morning, she told me about a paper she had to write in school. It was  about an experience that changed your life. You had to talk about how you adapted, etc. I was a bit surprised when she told me that she didn't write about her daddy dying. She said it would have made her sad all day and she didn't feel comfortable writing about it. She chose to write about our move to Pelham. She said she wrote about throwing things away to adapt to her new room, going to school, etc. What she said next really makes me think. She said that a lot of kids didn't have anything to write about it. Truth is, at the age of 10 most kids don't have a huge experience that has changed their lives. Valerie has had MANY! Not just one life changing experience, but several. What amazes me the most is how strong she is. How she truly has adapted to these changes in her life. She is such an encouragement to me. She is much wiser than a typical 10 year old. We have conversations and I feel as if I am talking to a woman. Interesting that her name means "strong". Coincidence? I think not! God knew when He placed her in my womb who she was going to be. He knew all the life experiences she would face. I am certain she will have many, many more life changing experiences. I stand in amazement at how she faces these challenges. Even the day after Erik died she was strong. As I lay there in the fetal position crying, she came and sat with me, opened up her Bible and read Psalm 138 to me. God continues to use her in my life on the journey I have been on since I encountered my biggest life changing experience. Time and time again I am left speechless at her wisdom. I am learning so much about life from her! I am so thankful that she has allowed her life experiences to grow her and not to utterly crush her. She has such a positive outlook on life. One that I am trying to grasp for myself. I know that God is going to use her in a mighty way throughout her life. I know that she will be able to encourage many as they face challenges that devastate them. Today I write this to encourage you (and myself) to think about how you adapt to life experiences and changes. Change can be very hard (especially for me). There is a song by Kutless called "Changing World" and one of the lines says "There's nothing wrong with  my changing world, though something's gone, there's nothing wrong with my changing world". That is actually my ring tone when Norm calls my cell phone. It is a continual reminder to me. My life has been changed drastically, but that doesn't mean it is wrong. It is just different now and I have to learn to adapt.

Saturday, March 10, 2012


 I heard a new song the other day by Mercy Me. It is called The Hurt and the Healer. It really spoke to me right where I was at that day. It felt as if the song was penned just for me. It is cool how God always seems to use music in my life. He knows just what I need to hear and how I need to hear it. Through the years He has used music in very powerful ways in my life. Music has helped me in the healing process time and time again. One of the lines in the song says this: "Where the hurt and the Healer collide." That is what is taking place in my life. My hurt is on a collision course to the only One who can truly heal my broken heart. This collision is not an easy one to endure.
 To an outsider it may appear that my hurt is all gone. Sometimes I think that people must think that because I remarried, I must not be sad anymore. Well, unless you have suffered a loss such as this one, you may not understand the ups and downs of it all. Although I have moved forward and fallen in love with someone else, I am still very much in love with Erik. I miss him everyday. My heart still hurts when I look at pictures of him. I ache when I see a dad and his children. I hurt beyond measure when one of my children is sad about their daddy. At times I can crash at the thought of all that is lost. Flashbacks of his death haunt me.
 Grief is a journey to be traveled a life time. I don't believe that I will ever truly be "over" his death. I believe I will always miss him and forever love him. Throughout my life there will be milestone moments that he will not be a part of. I know my heart will ache when my kids graduate and marry. When my first grandchild is born, I know I will cry tears that are so bittersweet. So many things he will miss. My heart aches for my kids and how they will cope with those moments in their lives when their daddy isn't there.
 When I married Norm is wasn't "The End" to my pain and suffering. This story isn't finished yet. If I were to write a book about this Beautiful story, I wouldn't end it that way at the end of the pages. My story may not even end with my death. Perhaps it will continue long after I am gone. Maybe it isn't a story at all, but a legacy. That is something to think about.
 I truly do not understand why God chose me for this. Why He chose me to endure so much pain. At times I can feel really angry about it. At times I find myself saying to Him that I don't want to be like Job. "For such a time as this"....words to Esther... perhaps I may never know why. Maybe if I knew I still wouldn't understand. But for now, all I can do is allow the Healer to heal me. Allow the collision to take place.Yield to His loving embrace.
Click on the link below to hear the new song.