In Life, There is Death

 How much is too much? How much pain must one person endure? Is there ever a point when enough is enough? What purpose can trauma serve? These questions are flooding my mind this morning... In the dark hours of the early morning, I lay awake in my bed and couldn't sleep. The events of the night unfolding in my mind. Images of horror that grip my heart and keep me from sleeping. Thinking about my daughter and all the trauma she has endured in her very short life....
 When Valerie was just 5 years old, her precious grandmother died. It was heartbreaking to see her and her brothers so very sad. Then, just a few years later, her grandpa died. This had a bigger impact as he lived with us for over 2 years and they were very close. At his funeral, Valerie recited from memory the entire 139th Psalm. I was amazed at her strength. And then of course, just 9 months later, she would run out in her pj's to find her daddy lying in the driveway dead...
 And you would think...that is enough for such a young girl to take... she was 3 weeks shy of her 9th birthday when her daddy passed away....
 But then she would have to endure saying goodbye to her beloved horse, Cupcake. Not once, but twice. The first time was of course, when we had to get rid of our horses and our farm due to Erik's death. It was so hard... And then, my horse died....and then, her gerbil died a tragic death by the claws of our beloved cat! ( I must also add that between my dad and her dad dying, one of her first little gerbils died)  And then, our kitty died....and then her beloved horse had to be put down... saying goodbye that day was one of the hardest moments I have had to witness.... and then, our dog died....and just about 2 months ago, another one of Valerie's little gerbils died..... 
 But last night was the icing on the cake (so to speak).... Not only was her favorite newest little gerbil dead, but the other gerbil instinctively had begun to eat it. Seriously?!?!?! It was like a horror scene from a movie! Valerie's blood curdling screams filled the house...my heart sank... I ran... it was AWFUL! How could this happen????? It is bad enough when they die, but this?!?! It was just too much to take! The image is burned into my memory forever.... Flips was such a cute gerbil. Valerie loves them all so much. They are not just rodents to her.... they are her family.... and now the other gerbil isn't looking too good. Not sure if eating it's friend has left it dying.... 
 Oh, and let's not forget...Christmas is just 3 days away....( a holiday that is already going to be tough to endure!!!! )
That elephant that sits on my chest that I wrote about in my previous entry; well it is now stomping on my chest! 
 I am not sure I will be able to end this entry on any kind of a positive note... all I can say is this:
In life, there is death. There is a cute side to gerbils and there is a very ugly side.... I cannot protect my daughter from pain and suffering... I can only hold her as she sobs and screams....  I pray she is able to erase that horrible image! I pray she overcomes her fear of entering her room..... I pray that we can somehow make some sense of all of this.... 
 I know that her name means "strong".... and  I hope she continues to be......................