My Beautiful Story

"Emerging from the ashes to embrace the beauty..."

Friday, December 7, 2012

The Weight of Grief

 Is it possible to measure the weight of grief? In what terms could we measure it so that people could understand? 
 Before I drifted off to sleep last night, my heart was heavy... My cheeks were hot with the stream of my tears... My mind was full of so many questions that I do not fully have the answers for... I was gripped with the pain of watching my kids grieve the loss of their beloved daddy... A pain I cannot carry for them or take from them completely. 
 If I could measure my grief for you I would have to use the following terms and analogies:

Crushing: It feels like my heart is on the verge of breaking into a million pieces...
An elephant is sitting on my chest: There is no other way to describe the heavy weight that seems to sit on my chest as I cry; a weight that feels inescapable. I mean think about how much an elephant weighs...at least 2 tons! If he was sitting on your chest, you would not be able to escape! And that is grief.., it is truly a pain we cannot escape... 
Overwhelming: The pain can be very intense and can seem to overpower me at times...
Unbearable: Thinking about the pain my kids are going through can feel impossible to endure at times...it feels like I just won't be able to go on...

All of these terms of measurement seem so negative and discouraging... they seem hopeless... and yet... I continue and have hope... How? you ask?

GRACE...

 Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings? Do you recall the scene in which Frodo is being crushed under the "load" he must carry? Do you recall what Samwise said to him? "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.".... It is GRACE that has carried me as I carry the load. GRACE has come through many forms for me on my journey...my sister, my friends, Norm, my children, prayers of many, and the greatest GRACE of all: God. It is in turn that I will be that GRACE for my children. While I cannot carry their grief for them, I can carry them in the process. I carry them in my prayers, I carry them with my words of encouragement, and I carry them in my tears...

 The hardest part of my grief journey has not been my own pain or grief. It has been the fact that I am but a bystander to my children's grief. As a parent we want to protect our children from pain. If you are a parent, you know exactly what I mean. But the reality that I have come to know is this: their pain is theirs to carry. Nothing I can say or do will ever remove it from their lives. I believe the ultimate pain for any parent is to be that bystander... I think of the movie, The Passion. The scene is when Jesus was dying on the cross. It was a pain He had to endure... the camera goes overhead for us to see the view from what I believe is God, the Father's perspective... and from there all He could do was watch His Son endure this pain... and then we see a single tear escape from Heaven... and then the earth shook! That is the only way I can try to explain my pain to you... it is a pain I do not wish on any other parent... 

 So, I cannot take away another's pain or carry their load... but with GRACE perhaps I can carry them...

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