I knew this year was going to bring with it many changes. I am certain that there are even going to be changes that I don't even know about it. But the changes I did know about have already come to pass.... I am now a wife again! I have been blessed to be married to the second most amazing man that I have ever met! I am not sure what I did to deserve this, but I know that God must love me A LOT! What a blessing it is to have Norm as my husband and as the step father to my children! He is such a good man! I am truly thankful!!!
I was also anticipating for Daniel, my middle child, to begin public school. I had actually intended on home schooling him until June and putting him into 8th grade in the fall. Well, things changed and Daniel actually started school this past Tuesday! It was the beginning of a new semester for the kids so I thought the timing was good. Daniel was nervous and excited all at once. I on the other hand was having a really hard time with this! The night before he started school, I cried myself to sleep. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Then on Tuesday, I couldn't stop crying either! As I drove Daniel to school, I could feel the tears beginning to well up. Daniel turned to me and said, "Don't cry Mom.". But it was too late...the tears began to flow. I pulled it together enough to walk him into to the school and to his homeroom teacher's class. As I turned to leave him there, my heart was heavy. I couldn't get out of the building fast enough. I got into my van and just wept and wept. Heavy sobs were escaping from the very depths of my heart. My life as I once knew it was over. I think it was one of the hardest days of my life. I can't explain to you exactly why this day was harder than last September when Ryan and Valerie went off on their public school adventure, but it just was. Perhaps it is because Daniel was the last one home. Maybe some of the tears had to do with the fact that Tuesday was the 24th. Exactly 17 months that Erik has been gone. He died on a Tuesday.... I don't like Tuesdays.... Maybe it was because I couldn't stop thinking about all the great times I had over the years being home with my kids! I love them so much! I enjoyed our days together! I loved the freedom we had to just get up and go on a trip! The freedom to stay in our pj's or do school on the picnic table. How fast it seems that those years went by. Maybe some of the tears were because I never imagined public school as a part of our lives. Perhaps some of my heartache is the fear that I have disappointed Erik somehow. He was so passionate about the kids being home schooled. But life changed that day back in August of 2010. Everything changed. I cannot go back, I can only go forward.
And so, I am daily trying to adjust to these changes. I am trying to pick myself and move forward. My dear sister said something to me the other day that really struck my heart. She told me that I couldn't keep them all to myself. That they needed to be known by others because they are great people! How true that is! They truly are amazing people! Each in their own ways! This adventure into public school is as much for them as it is for others! I will cling to that truth to help me through this. It is so strange being home without any kids here. It is so quiet. I miss being able to steal a hug whenever I want one. I miss calling one of them to lend me a hand. I miss hearing the sweet sounds of their voices. But it does give me something to look forward to in the afternoon.
I know that I will be okay. In time, I will adjust. I am learning so much about myself on this journey I have been on since Erik died. I have endured so much pain and change. It hasn't broken me completely. I am being restored. Praise His name forever!