Home For the Holidays... or Not...

 Losing someone who is a central part of your life and your family affects every aspect of your life. We find ourselves embarking on a year of "firsts" as soon as they are gone. Those first holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries stare at us like ominous strangers. We wonder how we will ever make it through without them. If you have children, these "firsts" can be even harder to face.
 How will you celebrate Christmas now that your loved one won't be there to fill his or her role in your family tradition? What about birthdays? Is it still okay to say "happy" that day? Questions loom in your head, "Do we keep our old traditions?" "Should we start new ones?" "How can we keep our loved ones' spirit alive on this occasion?" "What do we do if we cry?" These are all very real questions that we all have to face on our grief journey. No one can answer them for us. We need to do whatever feels right to us and whatever is best for our family. Don't allow people on the outside to pressure you into doing something you don't want to or can't do. Allow your children to be a part of this process.
 My husband died in August, so Christmas was just 4 months away. Our family tradition had always been to cut down our own tree the day after Thanksgiving. We would then return home to decorate the tree while playing Christmas CD's and enjoy hot chocolate and cookies. We would all wear Santa hats during this time. That first year, I couldn't bring myself to open the Christmas box. It was just too painful to think about the day we packed it together after what would become our last Christmas together. So, I discussed it with my kids and we decided to do something a bit different. We also decided on keeping some things the same. We chose to buy a small tabletop tree already adorned with lights. Since my husband was an avid New England Patriots and Boston Red Sox fan, we chose decorations with those logos for the tree. We all got new stockings as well which brought some excitement for the kids on what was a bittersweet day. Instead of our traditional Santa hats, we bought ones with the sports teams' logos on them as well. As we erected our "Daddy Tree", we put on our hats, drank hot chocolate, and played his favorite Christmas CD. We hung lights around the room. We laughed and we cried, but we were happy with our choice. We were able to gracefully blend some old and some new traditions together to help us get through such a painful "first".
 As for how we would spend the actual day of Christmas, we decided to do something we had never done before. We packed ourselves up and headed south to spend the holiday with my sister and her family. We had never left our house before for this particular holiday. Now that we were with my sister's family, they made us a part of their Christmas traditions. That first Christmas without my husband was a huge emotional roller coaster. It was filled with laughter, love, and tears. I still maintained some of the traditions we had with our kids, but I embraced the new ones my sister brought. It was also so nice to be with people who love us so much. It is one we will never forget. 
 The kids and I have decided that every year we will put up our "Daddy Tree" in a prominent room of our house. We will also have a real tree to put our presents under. The following Christmas I was strong enough to open up that box.It was nice to hang some of our family's traditional ornaments on a real tree.
 So, as the Christmas season approaches, begin now to discuss with your family the best way for you to endure the holiday. Maybe you will choose to keep everything the same. Maybe you will choose to do everything different. Or perhaps, like me, you will find ways to graciously blend the two. Whatever you choose, I wish you and yours the best. Remember, it is okay to be happy and it is okay to be sad. Allow yourself to experience this holiday season in whatever ways help you on your grief journey.

86,400 Seconds...

 Time can be a funny thing. Some days we don't even realize how quickly the time passes. What about the old adage, "Where did the time go?" or "Time flies so quickly." As we grow older and add children into our mix, time can escape us without us even knowing until we look in the mirror and see a gray hair staring us in the face! Or perhaps we realize 20 years have passed when we get an invitation to our high school reunion. Or maybe we realize time flew by and life is short when we attend a funeral for someone our age! What if that someone is your spouse? What if at the end of their life, you realize 20 something years went by like the blink of an eye...
 Once you are staring death in the face up close and personal, you see just how precious every moment is; every second really does count. And you think to yourself, "Where did the time go? What would we have done differently if only we knew today would be your last?". The thing about life is, you can't rewind the hands of time to change one thing. All we really have is today!
 Today:
24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
That is it. That is all we have. We are not promised tomorrow. We are not promised the next moment. All we have is RIGHT NOW! I wonder if we really grasp that. Can our human minds truly comprehend this truth? I am not sure we really can begin to understand it until death is at our front door. Even then, we sometimes allow time to slip through our hands, unnoticed and without purpose.
 So what would you change about the way you live if you knew that today was your last 86,400 seconds? How would you spend each one? Would  you spend them worrying about money? Or fighting with a loved one? Or complaining about this or that or so and so or such and such? Would you spend them carelessly, believing that you don't need to worry about the end of your life because it is so far away? Would you spend them recklessly by texting and driving or experimenting with drugs? Would you spend them hurting someone else? Perhaps you might spend those last moments reaching out to a friend in need? Maybe you will spend them at the homeless shelter serving food? What if you spent them in the arms of the one you love most?
 If you are reading this post: YOU ARE ALIVE! YOU HAVE BREATH!
Make each one count!

Time Reveals...Not Heals...

 It has been said so many times by so many people, "Time heals", especially when someone loses a loved one. Today I got to really thinking about that very simple statement. Since it has been some time since my beloved husband passed away, I find there is no truth in that statement. In fact it is not a true statement at all, but a very empty promise. You see, it has been 757 days since that tragic day that Erik died, and I can tell you that in that time, I have not healed. Hear me out please! This is the definition of heal: "to make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; freedom from ailment. To bring to an end or conclusion." When you see the word heal in its true meaning you can begin to see why that statement is incorrect. Grief is a journey that has no end. I will never be free from the pain I feel from the loss of Erik. I will never be restored to the way I was prior to his death. 
 I have found though that instead, "Time reveals". The definition of reveal is this: "To make known through divine inspiration." Wow! And that is just what I want to share with you. It is through His divine inspiration that He has revealed to me His grace, mercy, and love through my suffering. He has begun to reveal to me my purpose here on earth. It took a great tragedy and a broken heart for this to happen. God uses the sufferings we go through to reveal His glory in us. This is what the Scriptures say, " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. I can read that with a confidence and a comfort, knowing that my sufferings have a greater purpose. 
 Time has revealed so many things about myself; who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. Time revealed to me the ugliness of my sin that once gripped me and made me a person that today, I am ashamed of. Time revealed to me the true character of Jesus Christ and what it means to be a follower of Him. God has used this time to allow me to minister to others who are gripped with the pain of losing someone they love deeply. Time has revealed to me the bigger picture of this life and just how short and precious it really is. We can tend to take life for granted. We can even take our loved ones for granted. We can be so caught up in our happiness that we don't realize how that can all change in just a blink of time. 
 God has not promised a life free from sufferings. In fact He says just the opposite of that. We find throughout the Bible that God tells us that we will suffer just as Christ suffered. We will have trials and afflictions. But according to the New Living Translation Bible notes, " Our suffering can make us more sensitive servants of God. People who have known pain are able to reach out with compassion to others who hurt. If you have suffered, ask God how your experience can be used to help others." Isn't that so cool? Perhaps if we can grasp this truth and allow God to reveal this perspective to us, we can better walk through our journey of grief. 
 I will never be completely healed from my pain caused by Erik's death. That pain will only end when I die and go to Heaven. But I can continue to allow God to reveal great things to me so that my journey is a little easier to bear. If you have recently experienced a loss, I encourage you not to hold onto the empty statement that " time heals". Don't allow that to cause you to stumble or remain frozen in your grief. You must move forward and allow time to reveal things to you. And as you have these revelations, allow God to use you to help someone else who is also going through sufferings. If you are reading this and you know someone who is currently on a grief journey, I implore you not to say this empty statement to them. In fact, I implore you to say nothing at all. Just be there for them. Just sit and listen to them grieve. Reach out and embrace them. Hearing this statement can frustrate those who are grieving. Pray for them that God would reveal great things to them on their journey. That is the best gift you can give them. 
 It is truly my prayer that God would use my sufferings to encourage others. I want my life to have purpose; His purpose. 
 Time has not healed me, but time has revealed to me that with His help I can learn to live with the pain. In the weakness of my sufferings, He is made strong in me. And so, even Erik's death has a greater purpose that daily God reveals to me little pieces of that truth. In those moments of revelation, I am comforted.

731 Days

It has been 731 days since Erik left his home here on earth to reside for eternity in Heaven with Jesus Christ. 731.... I didn't even think I would be able to live 1 day without him...but here I am...I have lived 700 days longer than I ever thought possible. So how did I make it this far? It has only been with the strength that I have received through Jesus Christ. That is the only way that I can explain to you how I have carried on. I can only give Him the glory for the story that is being written. It is only through Him that I have found purpose and meaning and the will to go on. Has it been an easy journey? Not at all. It has been a long journey with many bumps along the way. And the journey is not over. It won't be over until I too am called to my eternal home. But by His grace, He has provided for me and for my children. He has taken the brokenness and the ashes and is turning them into something beautiful. Something that only He can receive the credit for. I praise Him for that provision. I praise Him for all the amazing people that have been a part of this journey. I praise Him that He is the God who heals. There is a jar in Heaven with my name on it and He is gathering all my tears and putting them inside. He is restoring to me joy everlasting. I have been blessed beyond measure. To have been blessed with love once is amazing, but to find it twice is a miracle. Those words echo in my mind. Words typed to me today by my one and only sister. How true are those words. Sorrow is a very personal journey. No one experiences this loss the same. Time will not erase the pain, but it will only make it easier to endure. Erik will be missed by me until the day I die. But I will press on. I will cling to the Truth that sets me free. I will trust in the Only One who can truly bring me through this horrible pit. Life is so short and so precious. We are not promised tomorrow. We are not promised the next moment. We only have right now. Make it count. And if you don't know the Giver of all life... He is waiting to embrace you. You are only here because of Him. I will praise Him with all that I am and all that I have...even through grief and sadness. He works all things together for good and I will believe that! Psalm 73:1 begins with these 4 words, "Truly God is good..." Yes He is!

The Hole

Just below the surface of a broken heart lies raw emotions that are dormant...waiting to come alive....

 Many things can stir those emotions and bring them up to the surface. For my kids, it was the amazing bereavement camp they attended this past weekend that seemed to stir up a lot of different emotions. Not for them I might add,  but for myself and Norm as well. Grief can be an ugly thing to have to face. There is no way to sugar coat it. What my kids feel is real and raw. I can't fix it, take it, get rid of it, or carry it for them. That in itself can be very hard for me as a parent. We don't want our kids to hurt. I don't want my kids to be without their daddy. But they are. He isn't coming back. It is not like a movie. We can't hit the rewind button. We can only go forward from here. Learning how to do that is a process. Grief is a journey. What I am about to share in this post may be hard for some to read. It is hard for me to write. It is even harder to live. But I have always believed that God is using our story for His glory. I pray that it only encourages others and points the way to Him.
 It seems that camp stirred up a lot of different things for each of us. For Ryan, it stirred up more of his anger. He has been the most angry since Erik's death. Totally understandable! But I want to help him learn how to overcome the anger so that it doesn't overcome him. I don't want him to grow up to be an angry man, husband, and father. Anger is like a cancer that can slowly eat away at you. I don't have all the answers, but I am trying to learn how to help him on this journey. I am angry too. I am angry that God allowed Erik to die so young. I am angry that my kids have to grow up without him. I am angry that Erik is no longer on this earth. He was such a good man! A good friend, a good worker, a good husband, a good father. When I see how his death has hurt my kids: I am angry! But I must learn how to not let my anger rule over me. It takes time. It doesn't go away with the snap of a finger. One thing I have discovered is that grief is never-ending. It will never go away. It will always be there in some form in our lives. It is a hole that can never be filled....
 That brings me to my next point:"The Hole". The empty space that remains where Erik used to be. Valerie is the one who came up with this picture. She is wise beyond her years. She never ceases to amaze me. God continues to use her in my life to help me on my journey. No matter what it is we are doing in this life, Erik will never be there to be a part of it. That reality breaks my heart. Allow me to share hear from my Face book page:

Wrote this song and/or poem as I ponder something Valerie said to me recently. When talking about her new life, now that her precious daddy is gone, she talked about there being sad in everything. And then she said that there was a hole in everything without him. In her words," We can go to Canobie Lake Park, but Daddy isn't there to have fun with us, and we can laugh, but he isn't here to laugh with us." Those words just about shattered my heart. I hate that my kids must endure this pain the rest of their lives. The pain I feel in my heart for them is so overwhelming. Grief is a journey that is full of ups and downs and bumps and bruises. It doesn't get easier, you just learn how to live with it (if that's possible). I never thought this would happen to my family....

There's a hole in my heart

It's been here since you went away

Nothing seems to be able to fill it up

Just have to learn to live with it every day

We can laugh

But you won't be there to laugh with us

We can play 

But you won't be there to join us

We can cry 

But you won't be there to hold us

We can learn

But you won't be there to teach us

We can live

But you won't be there to see us

There's a hole in everything

Nothing's as it used to be

There's still a me but there's no you

How can I ever make it through?

There's a hole in everything I do

  The truth is, the hole will never go away. At games, graduations, weddings, funerals, amusement parks, birthday parties, Superbowls, movies, whatever: Erik will NEVER be there to experience it with us! He won't be in any of the photographs. He won't walk Valerie down the isle or hold her in his arms for their dance. How do you get through that? I am not sure. I don't have all the answers. We will face those milestones as they come. We will face them together and with God's help. That is all we can do. 

 The days following camp have been hard on Dan as well. Last night he just couldn't stop crying. My heart aches for him. He is so sweet and caring. His heart is so tender. He has been having a rough streak in baseball and it has really taken a toll on him. He has also been struggling with school. Academically he is doing excellent! But the garbage and filth that surrounds him there is really bothering him. All the swearing from kids and kids teasing him for just being Dan...really upsets me. You see in 7th grade I guess it isn't "cool" to be nice to girls or to autistic kids. I am so proud of who Daniel is! I am proud that he is nice to everyone! I pray that God would shut the mouths of the lions in his life for him! 

 It has been a rough road for my kids. They have had so much change in such a short amount of time. So much is different now. I know that they miss their old lives. I know that they miss Erik every moment of every day. They always will. Now we are faced with learning how to deal with what is in front of us. Allowing God to use us for His glory. Remaining who we always were in Christ before this happened to us. It has not been an easy journey. I am thankful that Comfort Zone Camp was able to stir up all these emotions so that we can embrace them and learn how to deal with them. 

 I am sad for "The Hole" that still remains. It is in my heart and in my life as well. I have never stopped missing or loving Erik. I never will. There will always be a hole in my life without him. This is my journey on learning how to live with that....

A Window in Time

 It is interesting to me to see this beautiful story of mine unfold. It is neat to be a witness of the small little pieces that begin to fit together to make the puzzle whole. There is a part of my story that I have never shared before. I was reminded of it yesterday as I sat and visited with a dear friend who was used by God to be a part of this beautiful story! Her name is Jenn and she is a faithful and obedient woman of God. I say this because, if she was not obedient to God when He placed on her heart what He wanted her to pray for me, perhaps a different story would be being told. She was obedient when it did not make sense to her and when she had no idea of the beautiful story that was about to take place in my life! Allow me to share her part with you now.
 Shortly after hearing the news that Erik had died, (even before the funeral people!) God told Jenn to pray that a man would come into my life for me to love and be a wife to! You see, Jenn just knew in her heart that I was created to be a wife and God kept confirming that to her! That is what I do best and love the most! She is so right!!! After Erik died I was so lost and so sad. I LOVED being his wife! I loved serving him, caring for him, and loving him. It was my deepest passion! So Jenn was troubled for me. Even though to her it did not make sense or feel appropriate to pray that prayer for me at the very beginning of my grief, she obeyed God and did it anyway! Yesterday as her and I were talking and reflecting on this, she had a huge revelation from God! It was an incredible moment in time that I will never forget! She was telling me how weird it was for her to be praying that for me because she knew at the time I would have been angry and would have refused to believe that there would ever be another man in my life for me to love. And just then it hit her! There was only a small window of time for my heart and then it would be closed forever and I probably would have driven off the road with my kids in the van. You see, during the early stages of losing Erik, that is exactly what I wanted to do. I felt that I could not go on another moment. I couldn't take watching my kids suffer such deep pain. Even when Norm was first in my life, I struggled with these thoughts. Jenn was overwhelmed at this thought, as was I. To the world,it probably seemed very sudden that I was seeing someone new. But to God, it was perfect timing! He knew what I needed when I needed it! 40 days after Erik died, Norm came over to my house for the very first time. I felt something that very day. I was so scared by what I felt and I couldn't understand it. But you see!!!! God knew! He knew Norm and I were destined to be together! He knew that meeting him and falling in love with him needed to happen when it did! 40 days!!!!!!! To those of you who are Bible scholars, you will see how significant this number is! Looking this up online I found this about the number 40: It is related to a time of testing and ends with a blessing! Wow! Think about that for a minute! Jenn had no idea what God was doing in my life! She had no idea that 40 days after Erik's death her prayers would be answered! 
 So the revelation Jenn had yesterday about a "window" into my heart was so very true! A 40 day window I guess you could say!!! That is why right away God pressed in hard on Jenn's heart to pray for me! A lesson we can all learn from this: if God places something on your heart to pray no matter how strange it is: PRAY IT! You may be just the vessel God is wanting to use in their story!!!!!! Thank you Jenn for being a HUGE part of my beautiful story!

Cleaning & Healing

 Cleaning can be exhausting physically, but did you know it could also be emotionally draining as well? Since I moved into my new house here with my new husband, I haven't really unpacked all my things. With so much going on, it just got put on the back burner. But the clutter continued to pile up and I had had enough! So, this past week, I started tackling the clutter and the boxes. I wasn't expecting this time to be one of tears though. But, you forget about certain things until you come across them in a box. In those boxes were pictures of Erik and of a life from long ago. Papers written on, pictures drawn from my kids. Books I used to read to the kids, Bible studies I have gone to, Marriage conferences Erik and I attended, home school books I once used, and so much more. I started cleaning on what would have been my dad's 72nd birthday. I found so many memories of him too. Some things would just send me into a crying heap on the floor. Some things took me by surprise. At the end of the first day, I was emotionally spent. When Norm came home, he embraced me and I just started crying. He is so tender and caring. He poured me a nice glass of wine and gave me a nice back rub!! What a great way to end an exhausting day. 
 Day 2 of cleaning brought with more emotions, but I feel like I was better prepared! It was more papers than pictures I discovered as I cleaned out drawers full of stuff! I filled a large box full of trash! Funny how we tend to hold onto things! But each time we clean, it seems to get easier to throw things away. Of course the hardest things for me to come across are bills from Erik's death or things related to the funeral. It is still so hard to believe he is gone! And getting rid of home school books and the desks my kids once used was also very hard for me. The thought that I will never teach them again is too hard to think about sometimes. I miss the days when we were all together all day long! My life is just so different now.... not that different is bad... it is just different.
 Discovering these memories made me very thankful for so many things. Thankful that we did the things we did. Thankful that I saved all those precious moments in time. It also made me thankful for where I am today. I have truly been blessed beyond measure! I have a wonderful new husband that wants to experience those memories with me. He wants pictures of Erik to be hung in the house for all to see! That means so much to me! He is just so loving and caring! I know deep in my heart that we were created to be together! We complete each other! He is a great man and I know Erik would be so happy that he is the man God chose to love and care for us! I am also thankful for the 2 young men that are my step sons! They are such a great addition to my life and to my heart! I am honored to be their step mother and to be able to love them and care for them also. 
 So with my cleaning, also came a stage in my healing. I was able to look at my past, but also able to SEE my future. I know that God had a greater purpose in taking Erik home to be with Him. I know that God always intended for Norm and I to be together. It is just the way the story was written by God! He is the Author and Finisher of life! That means more to me now than it ever did before!!!!!! So I will cling to that in the hard moments of life. 
 I challenge you, my reader, what is waiting for you to "clean out"? Is there a room in your house or your heart that needs some de-cluttering? When we begin to remove the clutter, we are better able to SEE more clearly what God is doing in our lives! Maybe today is your day! Be blessed!!!!!!