Friday, March 23, 2012
Life Experiences
On my way to taking Valerie to school this morning, she told me about a paper she had to write in school. It was about an experience that changed your life. You had to talk about how you adapted, etc. I was a bit surprised when she told me that she didn't write about her daddy dying. She said it would have made her sad all day and she didn't feel comfortable writing about it. She chose to write about our move to Pelham. She said she wrote about throwing things away to adapt to her new room, going to school, etc. What she said next really makes me think. She said that a lot of kids didn't have anything to write about it. Truth is, at the age of 10 most kids don't have a huge experience that has changed their lives. Valerie has had MANY! Not just one life changing experience, but several. What amazes me the most is how strong she is. How she truly has adapted to these changes in her life. She is such an encouragement to me. She is much wiser than a typical 10 year old. We have conversations and I feel as if I am talking to a woman. Interesting that her name means "strong". Coincidence? I think not! God knew when He placed her in my womb who she was going to be. He knew all the life experiences she would face. I am certain she will have many, many more life changing experiences. I stand in amazement at how she faces these challenges. Even the day after Erik died she was strong. As I lay there in the fetal position crying, she came and sat with me, opened up her Bible and read Psalm 138 to me. God continues to use her in my life on the journey I have been on since I encountered my biggest life changing experience. Time and time again I am left speechless at her wisdom. I am learning so much about life from her! I am so thankful that she has allowed her life experiences to grow her and not to utterly crush her. She has such a positive outlook on life. One that I am trying to grasp for myself. I know that God is going to use her in a mighty way throughout her life. I know that she will be able to encourage many as they face challenges that devastate them. Today I write this to encourage you (and myself) to think about how you adapt to life experiences and changes. Change can be very hard (especially for me). There is a song by Kutless called "Changing World" and one of the lines says "There's nothing wrong with my changing world, though something's gone, there's nothing wrong with my changing world". That is actually my ring tone when Norm calls my cell phone. It is a continual reminder to me. My life has been changed drastically, but that doesn't mean it is wrong. It is just different now and I have to learn to adapt.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
COLLISION
I heard a new song the other day by Mercy Me. It is called The Hurt and the Healer. It really spoke to me right where I was at that day. It felt as if the song was penned just for me. It is cool how God always seems to use music in my life. He knows just what I need to hear and how I need to hear it. Through the years He has used music in very powerful ways in my life. Music has helped me in the healing process time and time again. One of the lines in the song says this: "Where the hurt and the Healer collide." That is what is taking place in my life. My hurt is on a collision course to the only One who can truly heal my broken heart. This collision is not an easy one to endure.
To an outsider it may appear that my hurt is all gone. Sometimes I think that people must think that because I remarried, I must not be sad anymore. Well, unless you have suffered a loss such as this one, you may not understand the ups and downs of it all. Although I have moved forward and fallen in love with someone else, I am still very much in love with Erik. I miss him everyday. My heart still hurts when I look at pictures of him. I ache when I see a dad and his children. I hurt beyond measure when one of my children is sad about their daddy. At times I can crash at the thought of all that is lost. Flashbacks of his death haunt me.
Grief is a journey to be traveled a life time. I don't believe that I will ever truly be "over" his death. I believe I will always miss him and forever love him. Throughout my life there will be milestone moments that he will not be a part of. I know my heart will ache when my kids graduate and marry. When my first grandchild is born, I know I will cry tears that are so bittersweet. So many things he will miss. My heart aches for my kids and how they will cope with those moments in their lives when their daddy isn't there.
When I married Norm is wasn't "The End" to my pain and suffering. This story isn't finished yet. If I were to write a book about this Beautiful story, I wouldn't end it that way at the end of the pages. My story may not even end with my death. Perhaps it will continue long after I am gone. Maybe it isn't a story at all, but a legacy. That is something to think about.
I truly do not understand why God chose me for this. Why He chose me to endure so much pain. At times I can feel really angry about it. At times I find myself saying to Him that I don't want to be like Job. "For such a time as this"....words to Esther... perhaps I may never know why. Maybe if I knew I still wouldn't understand. But for now, all I can do is allow the Healer to heal me. Allow the collision to take place.Yield to His loving embrace.
Click on the link below to hear the new song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0
To an outsider it may appear that my hurt is all gone. Sometimes I think that people must think that because I remarried, I must not be sad anymore. Well, unless you have suffered a loss such as this one, you may not understand the ups and downs of it all. Although I have moved forward and fallen in love with someone else, I am still very much in love with Erik. I miss him everyday. My heart still hurts when I look at pictures of him. I ache when I see a dad and his children. I hurt beyond measure when one of my children is sad about their daddy. At times I can crash at the thought of all that is lost. Flashbacks of his death haunt me.
Grief is a journey to be traveled a life time. I don't believe that I will ever truly be "over" his death. I believe I will always miss him and forever love him. Throughout my life there will be milestone moments that he will not be a part of. I know my heart will ache when my kids graduate and marry. When my first grandchild is born, I know I will cry tears that are so bittersweet. So many things he will miss. My heart aches for my kids and how they will cope with those moments in their lives when their daddy isn't there.
When I married Norm is wasn't "The End" to my pain and suffering. This story isn't finished yet. If I were to write a book about this Beautiful story, I wouldn't end it that way at the end of the pages. My story may not even end with my death. Perhaps it will continue long after I am gone. Maybe it isn't a story at all, but a legacy. That is something to think about.
I truly do not understand why God chose me for this. Why He chose me to endure so much pain. At times I can feel really angry about it. At times I find myself saying to Him that I don't want to be like Job. "For such a time as this"....words to Esther... perhaps I may never know why. Maybe if I knew I still wouldn't understand. But for now, all I can do is allow the Healer to heal me. Allow the collision to take place.Yield to His loving embrace.
Click on the link below to hear the new song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Changes...
I knew this year was going to bring with it many changes. I am certain that there are even going to be changes that I don't even know about it. But the changes I did know about have already come to pass.... I am now a wife again! I have been blessed to be married to the second most amazing man that I have ever met! I am not sure what I did to deserve this, but I know that God must love me A LOT! What a blessing it is to have Norm as my husband and as the step father to my children! He is such a good man! I am truly thankful!!!
I was also anticipating for Daniel, my middle child, to begin public school. I had actually intended on home schooling him until June and putting him into 8th grade in the fall. Well, things changed and Daniel actually started school this past Tuesday! It was the beginning of a new semester for the kids so I thought the timing was good. Daniel was nervous and excited all at once. I on the other hand was having a really hard time with this! The night before he started school, I cried myself to sleep. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Then on Tuesday, I couldn't stop crying either! As I drove Daniel to school, I could feel the tears beginning to well up. Daniel turned to me and said, "Don't cry Mom.". But it was too late...the tears began to flow. I pulled it together enough to walk him into to the school and to his homeroom teacher's class. As I turned to leave him there, my heart was heavy. I couldn't get out of the building fast enough. I got into my van and just wept and wept. Heavy sobs were escaping from the very depths of my heart. My life as I once knew it was over. I think it was one of the hardest days of my life. I can't explain to you exactly why this day was harder than last September when Ryan and Valerie went off on their public school adventure, but it just was. Perhaps it is because Daniel was the last one home. Maybe some of the tears had to do with the fact that Tuesday was the 24th. Exactly 17 months that Erik has been gone. He died on a Tuesday.... I don't like Tuesdays.... Maybe it was because I couldn't stop thinking about all the great times I had over the years being home with my kids! I love them so much! I enjoyed our days together! I loved the freedom we had to just get up and go on a trip! The freedom to stay in our pj's or do school on the picnic table. How fast it seems that those years went by. Maybe some of the tears were because I never imagined public school as a part of our lives. Perhaps some of my heartache is the fear that I have disappointed Erik somehow. He was so passionate about the kids being home schooled. But life changed that day back in August of 2010. Everything changed. I cannot go back, I can only go forward.
And so, I am daily trying to adjust to these changes. I am trying to pick myself and move forward. My dear sister said something to me the other day that really struck my heart. She told me that I couldn't keep them all to myself. That they needed to be known by others because they are great people! How true that is! They truly are amazing people! Each in their own ways! This adventure into public school is as much for them as it is for others! I will cling to that truth to help me through this. It is so strange being home without any kids here. It is so quiet. I miss being able to steal a hug whenever I want one. I miss calling one of them to lend me a hand. I miss hearing the sweet sounds of their voices. But it does give me something to look forward to in the afternoon.
I know that I will be okay. In time, I will adjust. I am learning so much about myself on this journey I have been on since Erik died. I have endured so much pain and change. It hasn't broken me completely. I am being restored. Praise His name forever!
I was also anticipating for Daniel, my middle child, to begin public school. I had actually intended on home schooling him until June and putting him into 8th grade in the fall. Well, things changed and Daniel actually started school this past Tuesday! It was the beginning of a new semester for the kids so I thought the timing was good. Daniel was nervous and excited all at once. I on the other hand was having a really hard time with this! The night before he started school, I cried myself to sleep. I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Then on Tuesday, I couldn't stop crying either! As I drove Daniel to school, I could feel the tears beginning to well up. Daniel turned to me and said, "Don't cry Mom.". But it was too late...the tears began to flow. I pulled it together enough to walk him into to the school and to his homeroom teacher's class. As I turned to leave him there, my heart was heavy. I couldn't get out of the building fast enough. I got into my van and just wept and wept. Heavy sobs were escaping from the very depths of my heart. My life as I once knew it was over. I think it was one of the hardest days of my life. I can't explain to you exactly why this day was harder than last September when Ryan and Valerie went off on their public school adventure, but it just was. Perhaps it is because Daniel was the last one home. Maybe some of the tears had to do with the fact that Tuesday was the 24th. Exactly 17 months that Erik has been gone. He died on a Tuesday.... I don't like Tuesdays.... Maybe it was because I couldn't stop thinking about all the great times I had over the years being home with my kids! I love them so much! I enjoyed our days together! I loved the freedom we had to just get up and go on a trip! The freedom to stay in our pj's or do school on the picnic table. How fast it seems that those years went by. Maybe some of the tears were because I never imagined public school as a part of our lives. Perhaps some of my heartache is the fear that I have disappointed Erik somehow. He was so passionate about the kids being home schooled. But life changed that day back in August of 2010. Everything changed. I cannot go back, I can only go forward.
And so, I am daily trying to adjust to these changes. I am trying to pick myself and move forward. My dear sister said something to me the other day that really struck my heart. She told me that I couldn't keep them all to myself. That they needed to be known by others because they are great people! How true that is! They truly are amazing people! Each in their own ways! This adventure into public school is as much for them as it is for others! I will cling to that truth to help me through this. It is so strange being home without any kids here. It is so quiet. I miss being able to steal a hug whenever I want one. I miss calling one of them to lend me a hand. I miss hearing the sweet sounds of their voices. But it does give me something to look forward to in the afternoon.
I know that I will be okay. In time, I will adjust. I am learning so much about myself on this journey I have been on since Erik died. I have endured so much pain and change. It hasn't broken me completely. I am being restored. Praise His name forever!
Monday, January 16, 2012
A BEAUTIFUL New Beginning
Yesterday, January 15th, Norm and I became husband and wife. We had a private ceremony with just us and our 5 children. It was very nice. Then, we went out to eat at a nice Italian restaurant. They even sang to us in Italian and gave us a yummy dessert! It really was a beautiful celebration! I am sharing our vows that I wrote since no one could see or hear what took place! I am truly happy! Praise the Lord that there is beauty from the ashes!
Norman and Samantha
January 15, 2012
Today something BEAUTIFUL is about to take place! Today God is joining 2 families together. Today we witness the truth of God’s Word together when He says that beauty comes from ashes. That is truly what has taken place between Norm and Sam. It was God’s hand that brought them together after a sudden tragedy. Their union was foreshadowed by the prayers of Erik. Only God knew the future that lie ahead. He knew the brokenness that needed healing. He chose to heal the brokenness in such a unique and amazing way. Only He can receive the credit for this story.
Today is not just a day for Norm and Sam, but also a day for Evan, Derek, Ryan, Daniel, and Valerie; two families coming together to become one. Today, 7 lives are about to embark on a wonderful journey together. This family will now be known to all as the Sage/Higgins Family. These 7 lives will learn about life and love together. This will be a family bonded together by the hand of God.
Norm, do you promise today to love, honor, and cherish Sam as long as you live? Do you promise to be faithful to her always? Do you promise to be willing to listen to her and respect what she has to say? Do you promise that no matter how frustrated you may become with her stubbornness, you will never leave her? Do you promise to take care of her in whatever she needs? Do you promise to work together with her to make your marriage the best it can be?
Sam, do you promise today to love, honor, and cherish Norm as long as you live? Do you promise to be faithful to him always? Do you promise to be willing to listen to him and respect what he has to say? Do you promise that no matter how frustrated you become with his stubbornness, you will never leave him? Do you promise to take care of him in whatever he needs? Do you promise to work together with him to make this the best marriage it can be?
Norm, do you promise to love, respect, and guide Ryan, Daniel, and Valerie? Do you promise to raise them as your own the rest of your life? Do you promise to support them in all that they do? Do you promise to keep the memory of their daddy alive always? Do you promise to care for them if something should happen to their mother?
Sam, do you promise to love, respect, and help guide Evan and Derek? Do you promise to be there to support them in all that they do? Do you promise to care for them if anything should happen to their dad?
Now that you have each made these promises to each other and to the children, I now pronounce you husband and wife! Kiss your bride!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Year...New Family....
As we enter this new year I have much to be thankful for and much to look forward to. 2011 was a year of growth and change. It was the first full year that Erik never saw. Such a strange thought. It was a year of learning how to move forward with my life. I made a lot of changes. I enrolled 2 of my kids into public school. I embraced 2 new "sons" into my life and my heart. I said goodbye to my horse, my house, and my old life. I stand in awe and wonder as I look behind me at the year past and all that I have been through. Sometimes I truly wonder how I managed to make it this far. Sometimes it is hard to believe this is my life.
Today I stand at the doorway of a new beginning. I have much to look forward to in this coming year. Lord willing, I will be able to see it all. I will see my oldest step son graduate high school. I will see my step son and my oldest son drive cars! Yikes! I will see my middle son begin his journey in public school. I will see my daughter start middle school! I also be a bride this year! What else is ahead for me? Well, only God really knows that. I will just have to wait and SEE...
On Christmas Eve I was able to capture a wonderful moment of my new family. With us in the picture is Norm's 95 year old mother. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever had the privilege to meet and to love. Look at the smiles on all of our faces! God has truly brought together 2 families that have experienced loss and brokenness and is making something new and BEAUTIFUL! This truly is a beautiful story. There really are riches in the midst of pain. I am so honored and blessed to have Norm and his boys in my life. I am also so blessed to have the rest of Norm's family as my own. They are such amazing people! My heart swells as I think of all the good that has come from the tragedy of loss. I have no doubt that God is good and He loves us so much!
So today, I wait to SEE all that He has for me in 2012!!!
Today I stand at the doorway of a new beginning. I have much to look forward to in this coming year. Lord willing, I will be able to see it all. I will see my oldest step son graduate high school. I will see my step son and my oldest son drive cars! Yikes! I will see my middle son begin his journey in public school. I will see my daughter start middle school! I also be a bride this year! What else is ahead for me? Well, only God really knows that. I will just have to wait and SEE...
On Christmas Eve I was able to capture a wonderful moment of my new family. With us in the picture is Norm's 95 year old mother. She is one of the sweetest people I have ever had the privilege to meet and to love. Look at the smiles on all of our faces! God has truly brought together 2 families that have experienced loss and brokenness and is making something new and BEAUTIFUL! This truly is a beautiful story. There really are riches in the midst of pain. I am so honored and blessed to have Norm and his boys in my life. I am also so blessed to have the rest of Norm's family as my own. They are such amazing people! My heart swells as I think of all the good that has come from the tragedy of loss. I have no doubt that God is good and He loves us so much!
So today, I wait to SEE all that He has for me in 2012!!!
Monday, December 12, 2011
The story begins....
As my first entry, I would like to start from the beginning....
On August 24,2010, my life was changed forever. My beloved husband and best friend of 23 years, died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was thrust into a new life, left to raise our 3 children alone. The pain I felt was so overwhelming that I thought I would die of a broken heart. I could not imagine living my life without Erik.He was my first and only love. We had no life insurance, no health insurance, and stayed home teaching our 3 kids. We had a small farm with 3 horses. I felt utterly alone and full of despair. I found myself in the lowest pit I had ever known.
But God had other plans for us....
About 6 weeks after Erik died, a man that worked with Erik for over 2 years called me on the phone. We had never met until the funeral, but I knew so much about him because Erik talked about him everyday and prayed for him also. His name is Norm and he went through a terrible divorce that left him with a broken heart and a single father of 2 sons. Erik saw him go through his difficult time and it truly touched Erik so much that he prayed daily for Norm. He prayed that God would bless Norm with a loving woman so that Norm could experience the kind of marriage that we shared. So, because Erik spoke so highly of Norm, I trusted him to come and help out with some unfinished things around our house. We started talking on the phone regularly and began a friendship. Norm was devastated over Erik's death and really wanted to help out his loved ones. Our friendship grew and we found ourselves falling in love. I began to emerge from my pit and found reason to keep living. My kids really embraced the idea because they really like Norm and knew their daddy did too. They saw how happy we both were. After many months together, we are now engaged. We are looking forward to our future together. We have been able to see something beautiful emerge from something so horrible.
I feel so honored to be the answer to Erik's prayer by being chosen by God to be the woman to love Norm the rest of his life. We know that God created us to be together and that keeps us growing stronger. I want my story to be able to encourage others who have experienced a loss and help them to see that God has a purpose and a plan. He is good. Even when things don't look good or feel good, we can know that He loves us and He will never leave us.
This beautiful story that He is writing could only have been penned by Him. I would never have believed that 16 months after suffering such a painful loss that I would be alive and wanting to continue on. I want to share my story on these pages to give you hope and the give Him glory. I hope that you enjoy reading...
On August 24,2010, my life was changed forever. My beloved husband and best friend of 23 years, died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was thrust into a new life, left to raise our 3 children alone. The pain I felt was so overwhelming that I thought I would die of a broken heart. I could not imagine living my life without Erik.He was my first and only love. We had no life insurance, no health insurance, and stayed home teaching our 3 kids. We had a small farm with 3 horses. I felt utterly alone and full of despair. I found myself in the lowest pit I had ever known.
But God had other plans for us....
About 6 weeks after Erik died, a man that worked with Erik for over 2 years called me on the phone. We had never met until the funeral, but I knew so much about him because Erik talked about him everyday and prayed for him also. His name is Norm and he went through a terrible divorce that left him with a broken heart and a single father of 2 sons. Erik saw him go through his difficult time and it truly touched Erik so much that he prayed daily for Norm. He prayed that God would bless Norm with a loving woman so that Norm could experience the kind of marriage that we shared. So, because Erik spoke so highly of Norm, I trusted him to come and help out with some unfinished things around our house. We started talking on the phone regularly and began a friendship. Norm was devastated over Erik's death and really wanted to help out his loved ones. Our friendship grew and we found ourselves falling in love. I began to emerge from my pit and found reason to keep living. My kids really embraced the idea because they really like Norm and knew their daddy did too. They saw how happy we both were. After many months together, we are now engaged. We are looking forward to our future together. We have been able to see something beautiful emerge from something so horrible.
I feel so honored to be the answer to Erik's prayer by being chosen by God to be the woman to love Norm the rest of his life. We know that God created us to be together and that keeps us growing stronger. I want my story to be able to encourage others who have experienced a loss and help them to see that God has a purpose and a plan. He is good. Even when things don't look good or feel good, we can know that He loves us and He will never leave us.
This beautiful story that He is writing could only have been penned by Him. I would never have believed that 16 months after suffering such a painful loss that I would be alive and wanting to continue on. I want to share my story on these pages to give you hope and the give Him glory. I hope that you enjoy reading...
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