Answers?
I have none.
Questions?
I have many?
Why?
This question looms...
Is there ever an answer that would make any sense or make us feel better about the loss?
The hardest part of life, is death.
We all will die someday...
Some sooner than others...
For those left behind,
We struggle and try to grasp why...
When the one who has passed is young, or kind, or amazing, or giving, or all those things combined and so much more...
We are left with a huge void of understanding...
We just can't make any sense of it...
Their death seems so senseless and pointless...
Unfair...
That is what we cry out from the depths of our souls...
This only brings us back to the beginning:
WHY???
I don't know why...
I may never know fully why...
So what can I do???
I can
TRUST...
in the One who created life...
"The LORD gives and the LORD takes away"...
I can
BELIEVE...
That He is GOOD!
And no matter what:
He LOVES me!
So, answers I have not, but what I do have...
HOPE.......
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Saturday, December 22, 2012
In Life, There is Death
How much is too much? How much pain must one person endure? Is there ever a point when enough is enough? What purpose can trauma serve? These questions are flooding my mind this morning... In the dark hours of the early morning, I lay awake in my bed and couldn't sleep. The events of the night unfolding in my mind. Images of horror that grip my heart and keep me from sleeping. Thinking about my daughter and all the trauma she has endured in her very short life....
When Valerie was just 5 years old, her precious grandmother died. It was heartbreaking to see her and her brothers so very sad. Then, just a few years later, her grandpa died. This had a bigger impact as he lived with us for over 2 years and they were very close. At his funeral, Valerie recited from memory the entire 139th Psalm. I was amazed at her strength. And then of course, just 9 months later, she would run out in her pj's to find her daddy lying in the driveway dead...
And you would think...that is enough for such a young girl to take... she was 3 weeks shy of her 9th birthday when her daddy passed away....
But then she would have to endure saying goodbye to her beloved horse, Cupcake. Not once, but twice. The first time was of course, when we had to get rid of our horses and our farm due to Erik's death. It was so hard... And then, my horse died....and then, her gerbil died a tragic death by the claws of our beloved cat! ( I must also add that between my dad and her dad dying, one of her first little gerbils died) And then, our kitty died....and then her beloved horse had to be put down... saying goodbye that day was one of the hardest moments I have had to witness.... and then, our dog died....and just about 2 months ago, another one of Valerie's little gerbils died.....
But last night was the icing on the cake (so to speak).... Not only was her favorite newest little gerbil dead, but the other gerbil instinctively had begun to eat it. Seriously?!?!?! It was like a horror scene from a movie! Valerie's blood curdling screams filled the house...my heart sank... I ran... it was AWFUL! How could this happen????? It is bad enough when they die, but this?!?! It was just too much to take! The image is burned into my memory forever.... Flips was such a cute gerbil. Valerie loves them all so much. They are not just rodents to her.... they are her family.... and now the other gerbil isn't looking too good. Not sure if eating it's friend has left it dying....
Oh, and let's not forget...Christmas is just 3 days away....( a holiday that is already going to be tough to endure!!!! )
That elephant that sits on my chest that I wrote about in my previous entry; well it is now stomping on my chest!
I am not sure I will be able to end this entry on any kind of a positive note... all I can say is this:
In life, there is death. There is a cute side to gerbils and there is a very ugly side.... I cannot protect my daughter from pain and suffering... I can only hold her as she sobs and screams.... I pray she is able to erase that horrible image! I pray she overcomes her fear of entering her room..... I pray that we can somehow make some sense of all of this....
I know that her name means "strong".... and I hope she continues to be......................
When Valerie was just 5 years old, her precious grandmother died. It was heartbreaking to see her and her brothers so very sad. Then, just a few years later, her grandpa died. This had a bigger impact as he lived with us for over 2 years and they were very close. At his funeral, Valerie recited from memory the entire 139th Psalm. I was amazed at her strength. And then of course, just 9 months later, she would run out in her pj's to find her daddy lying in the driveway dead...
And you would think...that is enough for such a young girl to take... she was 3 weeks shy of her 9th birthday when her daddy passed away....
But then she would have to endure saying goodbye to her beloved horse, Cupcake. Not once, but twice. The first time was of course, when we had to get rid of our horses and our farm due to Erik's death. It was so hard... And then, my horse died....and then, her gerbil died a tragic death by the claws of our beloved cat! ( I must also add that between my dad and her dad dying, one of her first little gerbils died) And then, our kitty died....and then her beloved horse had to be put down... saying goodbye that day was one of the hardest moments I have had to witness.... and then, our dog died....and just about 2 months ago, another one of Valerie's little gerbils died.....
But last night was the icing on the cake (so to speak).... Not only was her favorite newest little gerbil dead, but the other gerbil instinctively had begun to eat it. Seriously?!?!?! It was like a horror scene from a movie! Valerie's blood curdling screams filled the house...my heart sank... I ran... it was AWFUL! How could this happen????? It is bad enough when they die, but this?!?! It was just too much to take! The image is burned into my memory forever.... Flips was such a cute gerbil. Valerie loves them all so much. They are not just rodents to her.... they are her family.... and now the other gerbil isn't looking too good. Not sure if eating it's friend has left it dying....
Oh, and let's not forget...Christmas is just 3 days away....( a holiday that is already going to be tough to endure!!!! )
That elephant that sits on my chest that I wrote about in my previous entry; well it is now stomping on my chest!
I am not sure I will be able to end this entry on any kind of a positive note... all I can say is this:
In life, there is death. There is a cute side to gerbils and there is a very ugly side.... I cannot protect my daughter from pain and suffering... I can only hold her as she sobs and screams.... I pray she is able to erase that horrible image! I pray she overcomes her fear of entering her room..... I pray that we can somehow make some sense of all of this....
I know that her name means "strong".... and I hope she continues to be......................
Friday, December 7, 2012
The Weight of Grief
Is it possible to measure the weight of grief? In what terms could we measure it so that people could understand?
Before I drifted off to sleep last night, my heart was heavy... My cheeks were hot with the stream of my tears... My mind was full of so many questions that I do not fully have the answers for... I was gripped with the pain of watching my kids grieve the loss of their beloved daddy... A pain I cannot carry for them or take from them completely.
If I could measure my grief for you I would have to use the following terms and analogies:
Crushing: It feels like my heart is on the verge of breaking into a million pieces...
An elephant is sitting on my chest: There is no other way to describe the heavy weight that seems to sit on my chest as I cry; a weight that feels inescapable. I mean think about how much an elephant weighs...at least 2 tons! If he was sitting on your chest, you would not be able to escape! And that is grief.., it is truly a pain we cannot escape...
Overwhelming: The pain can be very intense and can seem to overpower me at times...
Unbearable: Thinking about the pain my kids are going through can feel impossible to endure at times...it feels like I just won't be able to go on...
All of these terms of measurement seem so negative and discouraging... they seem hopeless... and yet... I continue and have hope... How? you ask?
GRACE...
Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings? Do you recall the scene in which Frodo is being crushed under the "load" he must carry? Do you recall what Samwise said to him? "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.".... It is GRACE that has carried me as I carry the load. GRACE has come through many forms for me on my journey...my sister, my friends, Norm, my children, prayers of many, and the greatest GRACE of all: God. It is in turn that I will be that GRACE for my children. While I cannot carry their grief for them, I can carry them in the process. I carry them in my prayers, I carry them with my words of encouragement, and I carry them in my tears...
The hardest part of my grief journey has not been my own pain or grief. It has been the fact that I am but a bystander to my children's grief. As a parent we want to protect our children from pain. If you are a parent, you know exactly what I mean. But the reality that I have come to know is this: their pain is theirs to carry. Nothing I can say or do will ever remove it from their lives. I believe the ultimate pain for any parent is to be that bystander... I think of the movie, The Passion. The scene is when Jesus was dying on the cross. It was a pain He had to endure... the camera goes overhead for us to see the view from what I believe is God, the Father's perspective... and from there all He could do was watch His Son endure this pain... and then we see a single tear escape from Heaven... and then the earth shook! That is the only way I can try to explain my pain to you... it is a pain I do not wish on any other parent...
So, I cannot take away another's pain or carry their load... but with GRACE perhaps I can carry them...
Before I drifted off to sleep last night, my heart was heavy... My cheeks were hot with the stream of my tears... My mind was full of so many questions that I do not fully have the answers for... I was gripped with the pain of watching my kids grieve the loss of their beloved daddy... A pain I cannot carry for them or take from them completely.
If I could measure my grief for you I would have to use the following terms and analogies:
Crushing: It feels like my heart is on the verge of breaking into a million pieces...
An elephant is sitting on my chest: There is no other way to describe the heavy weight that seems to sit on my chest as I cry; a weight that feels inescapable. I mean think about how much an elephant weighs...at least 2 tons! If he was sitting on your chest, you would not be able to escape! And that is grief.., it is truly a pain we cannot escape...
Overwhelming: The pain can be very intense and can seem to overpower me at times...
Unbearable: Thinking about the pain my kids are going through can feel impossible to endure at times...it feels like I just won't be able to go on...
All of these terms of measurement seem so negative and discouraging... they seem hopeless... and yet... I continue and have hope... How? you ask?
GRACE...
Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings? Do you recall the scene in which Frodo is being crushed under the "load" he must carry? Do you recall what Samwise said to him? "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you.".... It is GRACE that has carried me as I carry the load. GRACE has come through many forms for me on my journey...my sister, my friends, Norm, my children, prayers of many, and the greatest GRACE of all: God. It is in turn that I will be that GRACE for my children. While I cannot carry their grief for them, I can carry them in the process. I carry them in my prayers, I carry them with my words of encouragement, and I carry them in my tears...
The hardest part of my grief journey has not been my own pain or grief. It has been the fact that I am but a bystander to my children's grief. As a parent we want to protect our children from pain. If you are a parent, you know exactly what I mean. But the reality that I have come to know is this: their pain is theirs to carry. Nothing I can say or do will ever remove it from their lives. I believe the ultimate pain for any parent is to be that bystander... I think of the movie, The Passion. The scene is when Jesus was dying on the cross. It was a pain He had to endure... the camera goes overhead for us to see the view from what I believe is God, the Father's perspective... and from there all He could do was watch His Son endure this pain... and then we see a single tear escape from Heaven... and then the earth shook! That is the only way I can try to explain my pain to you... it is a pain I do not wish on any other parent...
So, I cannot take away another's pain or carry their load... but with GRACE perhaps I can carry them...
Thursday, November 15, 2012
The Aftermath of Grief
I recently read an article about grief and I can't shake one theme. This is the quote, "We have no control over the fact that someone we thought we couldn’t live without did the unthinkable and died. We have no control over how other people will react to this news, or to how they may interact with (or avoid) us in the aftermath."(Alisha Krukowski, Hello Grief website article)
The phrase that keeps resonating in my head is in regards to how other people react to the news and how they avoid us. It amazes me that people can actually avoid you after you have lost someone so significant in your life. And what amazes me even more is when those people are family and the people they are avoiding are the children! And what if it is the family of the person who died? You may be reading this and think that it is not possible. Or maybe you are reading and know it to be true. Either way, this is what is known as "secondary loss".
The phrase, "You find out who your friends are" is a very true statement. You even find out who your family is. These secondary losses can really throw you for a loop. They leave you bitter, hurt, and even confused. You wonder why these people have been avoiding you. Is it you? Is it them? Is it the new life you have begun since the loss of your loved one? Do they sit back in judgment over your choices?Is it because they have no idea what to say? Is it because seeing you or your kids makes them feel the depth of their own grief? I don't have the answers. I can only speculate and assume the answers to these questions. I have no solid answers as to why certain people in my own life have avoided me and my children since my first husband died. There has really only been one loss that I know for certain the reason. Even knowing the reason has still left me bewildered. I can't believe people sometimes. I can't believe that in your darkest moment of life, that someone who claims to love you would abandon you because you aren't handling your grief like they think you should. Who can tell you how to grieve? It really amazes me to say the least. But that story is for another entry.
The aftermath of grief can be a very messy thing. Once the shock of the loss has worn off a bit, things begin to change. During the first days and weeks following the loss, it seems that your house is always full of people, the phone is constantly ringing, and the mailbox is full of cards and letters.But after a while, things begin to calm down. People go about their lives, "business as usual". You are left with the reality that your "business as usual" will never be the same. You and your kids are the ones whose daily lives are affected by the loss. You feel forgotten. You feel abandoned. You feel alone. It only makes the loss that much more enormous. You wait for people to reach out. It is so hard for those who have lost to reach out. We don't want to bother people.We want to try and stay strong. We assume that since they aren't reaching out, they are just too busy and you don't want to burden them with what you are going through. And perhaps there is that unspoken truth that maybe they just think you need to get over it and they are tired of listening to you cry and grieve. I know that life can get busy. I know that in my life I have been guilty of allowing too much time to pass before I reach out to someone I know who has suffered a loss. But some people have dropped me out of their lives completely. It is strange. I may never know the answers. I know that everyone whose lives were touched by Erik have suffered in some way since his death. But no one has suffered greater than me and my kids. We were his life. We were his everything! He was our everything! The sting of his death is still very real and intense. Perhaps people think that since I have remarried, I no longer grieve. That couldn't be further from the truth. You never "get over" the loss of someone so significant in your life. You just learn how to live with it. You also have to learn how to live with the reactions and actions of other people. I don't have any control over other people and how they have chosen to handle their own grief. I can only control myself and my own actions.
This is all just food for thought for anyone who has lost or for those who are friends/family with someone who has lost. Maybe this can help you. Maybe you will think twice before you judge. Maybe you will make more of an effort to keep in touch with that person. I don't know. I just know that I have been chosen to walk this path and I want to be able to help others. I don't want my pain to be in vain.
The phrase that keeps resonating in my head is in regards to how other people react to the news and how they avoid us. It amazes me that people can actually avoid you after you have lost someone so significant in your life. And what amazes me even more is when those people are family and the people they are avoiding are the children! And what if it is the family of the person who died? You may be reading this and think that it is not possible. Or maybe you are reading and know it to be true. Either way, this is what is known as "secondary loss".
The phrase, "You find out who your friends are" is a very true statement. You even find out who your family is. These secondary losses can really throw you for a loop. They leave you bitter, hurt, and even confused. You wonder why these people have been avoiding you. Is it you? Is it them? Is it the new life you have begun since the loss of your loved one? Do they sit back in judgment over your choices?Is it because they have no idea what to say? Is it because seeing you or your kids makes them feel the depth of their own grief? I don't have the answers. I can only speculate and assume the answers to these questions. I have no solid answers as to why certain people in my own life have avoided me and my children since my first husband died. There has really only been one loss that I know for certain the reason. Even knowing the reason has still left me bewildered. I can't believe people sometimes. I can't believe that in your darkest moment of life, that someone who claims to love you would abandon you because you aren't handling your grief like they think you should. Who can tell you how to grieve? It really amazes me to say the least. But that story is for another entry.
The aftermath of grief can be a very messy thing. Once the shock of the loss has worn off a bit, things begin to change. During the first days and weeks following the loss, it seems that your house is always full of people, the phone is constantly ringing, and the mailbox is full of cards and letters.But after a while, things begin to calm down. People go about their lives, "business as usual". You are left with the reality that your "business as usual" will never be the same. You and your kids are the ones whose daily lives are affected by the loss. You feel forgotten. You feel abandoned. You feel alone. It only makes the loss that much more enormous. You wait for people to reach out. It is so hard for those who have lost to reach out. We don't want to bother people.We want to try and stay strong. We assume that since they aren't reaching out, they are just too busy and you don't want to burden them with what you are going through. And perhaps there is that unspoken truth that maybe they just think you need to get over it and they are tired of listening to you cry and grieve. I know that life can get busy. I know that in my life I have been guilty of allowing too much time to pass before I reach out to someone I know who has suffered a loss. But some people have dropped me out of their lives completely. It is strange. I may never know the answers. I know that everyone whose lives were touched by Erik have suffered in some way since his death. But no one has suffered greater than me and my kids. We were his life. We were his everything! He was our everything! The sting of his death is still very real and intense. Perhaps people think that since I have remarried, I no longer grieve. That couldn't be further from the truth. You never "get over" the loss of someone so significant in your life. You just learn how to live with it. You also have to learn how to live with the reactions and actions of other people. I don't have any control over other people and how they have chosen to handle their own grief. I can only control myself and my own actions.
This is all just food for thought for anyone who has lost or for those who are friends/family with someone who has lost. Maybe this can help you. Maybe you will think twice before you judge. Maybe you will make more of an effort to keep in touch with that person. I don't know. I just know that I have been chosen to walk this path and I want to be able to help others. I don't want my pain to be in vain.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Home For the Holidays... or Not...
Losing someone who is a central part of your life and your family affects every aspect of your life. We find ourselves embarking on a year of "firsts" as soon as they are gone. Those first holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries stare at us like ominous strangers. We wonder how we will ever make it through without them. If you have children, these "firsts" can be even harder to face.
How will you celebrate Christmas now that your loved one won't be there to fill his or her role in your family tradition? What about birthdays? Is it still okay to say "happy" that day? Questions loom in your head, "Do we keep our old traditions?" "Should we start new ones?" "How can we keep our loved ones' spirit alive on this occasion?" "What do we do if we cry?" These are all very real questions that we all have to face on our grief journey. No one can answer them for us. We need to do whatever feels right to us and whatever is best for our family. Don't allow people on the outside to pressure you into doing something you don't want to or can't do. Allow your children to be a part of this process.
My husband died in August, so Christmas was just 4 months away. Our family tradition had always been to cut down our own tree the day after Thanksgiving. We would then return home to decorate the tree while playing Christmas CD's and enjoy hot chocolate and cookies. We would all wear Santa hats during this time. That first year, I couldn't bring myself to open the Christmas box. It was just too painful to think about the day we packed it together after what would become our last Christmas together. So, I discussed it with my kids and we decided to do something a bit different. We also decided on keeping some things the same. We chose to buy a small tabletop tree already adorned with lights. Since my husband was an avid New England Patriots and Boston Red Sox fan, we chose decorations with those logos for the tree. We all got new stockings as well which brought some excitement for the kids on what was a bittersweet day. Instead of our traditional Santa hats, we bought ones with the sports teams' logos on them as well. As we erected our "Daddy Tree", we put on our hats, drank hot chocolate, and played his favorite Christmas CD. We hung lights around the room. We laughed and we cried, but we were happy with our choice. We were able to gracefully blend some old and some new traditions together to help us get through such a painful "first".
As for how we would spend the actual day of Christmas, we decided to do something we had never done before. We packed ourselves up and headed south to spend the holiday with my sister and her family. We had never left our house before for this particular holiday. Now that we were with my sister's family, they made us a part of their Christmas traditions. That first Christmas without my husband was a huge emotional roller coaster. It was filled with laughter, love, and tears. I still maintained some of the traditions we had with our kids, but I embraced the new ones my sister brought. It was also so nice to be with people who love us so much. It is one we will never forget.
The kids and I have decided that every year we will put up our "Daddy Tree" in a prominent room of our house. We will also have a real tree to put our presents under. The following Christmas I was strong enough to open up that box.It was nice to hang some of our family's traditional ornaments on a real tree.
So, as the Christmas season approaches, begin now to discuss with your family the best way for you to endure the holiday. Maybe you will choose to keep everything the same. Maybe you will choose to do everything different. Or perhaps, like me, you will find ways to graciously blend the two. Whatever you choose, I wish you and yours the best. Remember, it is okay to be happy and it is okay to be sad. Allow yourself to experience this holiday season in whatever ways help you on your grief journey.
How will you celebrate Christmas now that your loved one won't be there to fill his or her role in your family tradition? What about birthdays? Is it still okay to say "happy" that day? Questions loom in your head, "Do we keep our old traditions?" "Should we start new ones?" "How can we keep our loved ones' spirit alive on this occasion?" "What do we do if we cry?" These are all very real questions that we all have to face on our grief journey. No one can answer them for us. We need to do whatever feels right to us and whatever is best for our family. Don't allow people on the outside to pressure you into doing something you don't want to or can't do. Allow your children to be a part of this process.
My husband died in August, so Christmas was just 4 months away. Our family tradition had always been to cut down our own tree the day after Thanksgiving. We would then return home to decorate the tree while playing Christmas CD's and enjoy hot chocolate and cookies. We would all wear Santa hats during this time. That first year, I couldn't bring myself to open the Christmas box. It was just too painful to think about the day we packed it together after what would become our last Christmas together. So, I discussed it with my kids and we decided to do something a bit different. We also decided on keeping some things the same. We chose to buy a small tabletop tree already adorned with lights. Since my husband was an avid New England Patriots and Boston Red Sox fan, we chose decorations with those logos for the tree. We all got new stockings as well which brought some excitement for the kids on what was a bittersweet day. Instead of our traditional Santa hats, we bought ones with the sports teams' logos on them as well. As we erected our "Daddy Tree", we put on our hats, drank hot chocolate, and played his favorite Christmas CD. We hung lights around the room. We laughed and we cried, but we were happy with our choice. We were able to gracefully blend some old and some new traditions together to help us get through such a painful "first".
As for how we would spend the actual day of Christmas, we decided to do something we had never done before. We packed ourselves up and headed south to spend the holiday with my sister and her family. We had never left our house before for this particular holiday. Now that we were with my sister's family, they made us a part of their Christmas traditions. That first Christmas without my husband was a huge emotional roller coaster. It was filled with laughter, love, and tears. I still maintained some of the traditions we had with our kids, but I embraced the new ones my sister brought. It was also so nice to be with people who love us so much. It is one we will never forget.
The kids and I have decided that every year we will put up our "Daddy Tree" in a prominent room of our house. We will also have a real tree to put our presents under. The following Christmas I was strong enough to open up that box.It was nice to hang some of our family's traditional ornaments on a real tree.
So, as the Christmas season approaches, begin now to discuss with your family the best way for you to endure the holiday. Maybe you will choose to keep everything the same. Maybe you will choose to do everything different. Or perhaps, like me, you will find ways to graciously blend the two. Whatever you choose, I wish you and yours the best. Remember, it is okay to be happy and it is okay to be sad. Allow yourself to experience this holiday season in whatever ways help you on your grief journey.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
86,400 Seconds...
Time can be a funny thing. Some days we don't even realize how quickly the time passes. What about the old adage, "Where did the time go?" or "Time flies so quickly." As we grow older and add children into our mix, time can escape us without us even knowing until we look in the mirror and see a gray hair staring us in the face! Or perhaps we realize 20 years have passed when we get an invitation to our high school reunion. Or maybe we realize time flew by and life is short when we attend a funeral for someone our age! What if that someone is your spouse? What if at the end of their life, you realize 20 something years went by like the blink of an eye...
Once you are staring death in the face up close and personal, you see just how precious every moment is; every second really does count. And you think to yourself, "Where did the time go? What would we have done differently if only we knew today would be your last?". The thing about life is, you can't rewind the hands of time to change one thing. All we really have is today!
Today:
24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
That is it. That is all we have. We are not promised tomorrow. We are not promised the next moment. All we have is RIGHT NOW! I wonder if we really grasp that. Can our human minds truly comprehend this truth? I am not sure we really can begin to understand it until death is at our front door. Even then, we sometimes allow time to slip through our hands, unnoticed and without purpose.
So what would you change about the way you live if you knew that today was your last 86,400 seconds? How would you spend each one? Would you spend them worrying about money? Or fighting with a loved one? Or complaining about this or that or so and so or such and such? Would you spend them carelessly, believing that you don't need to worry about the end of your life because it is so far away? Would you spend them recklessly by texting and driving or experimenting with drugs? Would you spend them hurting someone else? Perhaps you might spend those last moments reaching out to a friend in need? Maybe you will spend them at the homeless shelter serving food? What if you spent them in the arms of the one you love most?
If you are reading this post: YOU ARE ALIVE! YOU HAVE BREATH!
Make each one count!
Once you are staring death in the face up close and personal, you see just how precious every moment is; every second really does count. And you think to yourself, "Where did the time go? What would we have done differently if only we knew today would be your last?". The thing about life is, you can't rewind the hands of time to change one thing. All we really have is today!
Today:
24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
That is it. That is all we have. We are not promised tomorrow. We are not promised the next moment. All we have is RIGHT NOW! I wonder if we really grasp that. Can our human minds truly comprehend this truth? I am not sure we really can begin to understand it until death is at our front door. Even then, we sometimes allow time to slip through our hands, unnoticed and without purpose.
So what would you change about the way you live if you knew that today was your last 86,400 seconds? How would you spend each one? Would you spend them worrying about money? Or fighting with a loved one? Or complaining about this or that or so and so or such and such? Would you spend them carelessly, believing that you don't need to worry about the end of your life because it is so far away? Would you spend them recklessly by texting and driving or experimenting with drugs? Would you spend them hurting someone else? Perhaps you might spend those last moments reaching out to a friend in need? Maybe you will spend them at the homeless shelter serving food? What if you spent them in the arms of the one you love most?
If you are reading this post: YOU ARE ALIVE! YOU HAVE BREATH!
Make each one count!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Time Reveals...Not Heals...
It has been said so many times by so many people, "Time heals", especially when someone loses a loved one. Today I got to really thinking about that very simple statement. Since it has been some time since my beloved husband passed away, I find there is no truth in that statement. In fact it is not a true statement at all, but a very empty promise. You see, it has been 757 days since that tragic day that Erik died, and I can tell you that in that time, I have not healed. Hear me out please! This is the definition of heal: "to make healthy, whole, or sound; restore to health; freedom from ailment. To bring to an end or conclusion." When you see the word heal in its true meaning you can begin to see why that statement is incorrect. Grief is a journey that has no end. I will never be free from the pain I feel from the loss of Erik. I will never be restored to the way I was prior to his death.
I have found though that instead, "Time reveals". The definition of reveal is this: "To make known through divine inspiration." Wow! And that is just what I want to share with you. It is through His divine inspiration that He has revealed to me His grace, mercy, and love through my suffering. He has begun to reveal to me my purpose here on earth. It took a great tragedy and a broken heart for this to happen. God uses the sufferings we go through to reveal His glory in us. This is what the Scriptures say, " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. I can read that with a confidence and a comfort, knowing that my sufferings have a greater purpose.
Time has revealed so many things about myself; who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. Time revealed to me the ugliness of my sin that once gripped me and made me a person that today, I am ashamed of. Time revealed to me the true character of Jesus Christ and what it means to be a follower of Him. God has used this time to allow me to minister to others who are gripped with the pain of losing someone they love deeply. Time has revealed to me the bigger picture of this life and just how short and precious it really is. We can tend to take life for granted. We can even take our loved ones for granted. We can be so caught up in our happiness that we don't realize how that can all change in just a blink of time.
God has not promised a life free from sufferings. In fact He says just the opposite of that. We find throughout the Bible that God tells us that we will suffer just as Christ suffered. We will have trials and afflictions. But according to the New Living Translation Bible notes, " Our suffering can make us more sensitive servants of God. People who have known pain are able to reach out with compassion to others who hurt. If you have suffered, ask God how your experience can be used to help others." Isn't that so cool? Perhaps if we can grasp this truth and allow God to reveal this perspective to us, we can better walk through our journey of grief.
I will never be completely healed from my pain caused by Erik's death. That pain will only end when I die and go to Heaven. But I can continue to allow God to reveal great things to me so that my journey is a little easier to bear. If you have recently experienced a loss, I encourage you not to hold onto the empty statement that " time heals". Don't allow that to cause you to stumble or remain frozen in your grief. You must move forward and allow time to reveal things to you. And as you have these revelations, allow God to use you to help someone else who is also going through sufferings. If you are reading this and you know someone who is currently on a grief journey, I implore you not to say this empty statement to them. In fact, I implore you to say nothing at all. Just be there for them. Just sit and listen to them grieve. Reach out and embrace them. Hearing this statement can frustrate those who are grieving. Pray for them that God would reveal great things to them on their journey. That is the best gift you can give them.
It is truly my prayer that God would use my sufferings to encourage others. I want my life to have purpose; His purpose.
Time has not healed me, but time has revealed to me that with His help I can learn to live with the pain. In the weakness of my sufferings, He is made strong in me. And so, even Erik's death has a greater purpose that daily God reveals to me little pieces of that truth. In those moments of revelation, I am comforted.
I have found though that instead, "Time reveals". The definition of reveal is this: "To make known through divine inspiration." Wow! And that is just what I want to share with you. It is through His divine inspiration that He has revealed to me His grace, mercy, and love through my suffering. He has begun to reveal to me my purpose here on earth. It took a great tragedy and a broken heart for this to happen. God uses the sufferings we go through to reveal His glory in us. This is what the Scriptures say, " For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. I can read that with a confidence and a comfort, knowing that my sufferings have a greater purpose.
Time has revealed so many things about myself; who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. Time revealed to me the ugliness of my sin that once gripped me and made me a person that today, I am ashamed of. Time revealed to me the true character of Jesus Christ and what it means to be a follower of Him. God has used this time to allow me to minister to others who are gripped with the pain of losing someone they love deeply. Time has revealed to me the bigger picture of this life and just how short and precious it really is. We can tend to take life for granted. We can even take our loved ones for granted. We can be so caught up in our happiness that we don't realize how that can all change in just a blink of time.
God has not promised a life free from sufferings. In fact He says just the opposite of that. We find throughout the Bible that God tells us that we will suffer just as Christ suffered. We will have trials and afflictions. But according to the New Living Translation Bible notes, " Our suffering can make us more sensitive servants of God. People who have known pain are able to reach out with compassion to others who hurt. If you have suffered, ask God how your experience can be used to help others." Isn't that so cool? Perhaps if we can grasp this truth and allow God to reveal this perspective to us, we can better walk through our journey of grief.
I will never be completely healed from my pain caused by Erik's death. That pain will only end when I die and go to Heaven. But I can continue to allow God to reveal great things to me so that my journey is a little easier to bear. If you have recently experienced a loss, I encourage you not to hold onto the empty statement that " time heals". Don't allow that to cause you to stumble or remain frozen in your grief. You must move forward and allow time to reveal things to you. And as you have these revelations, allow God to use you to help someone else who is also going through sufferings. If you are reading this and you know someone who is currently on a grief journey, I implore you not to say this empty statement to them. In fact, I implore you to say nothing at all. Just be there for them. Just sit and listen to them grieve. Reach out and embrace them. Hearing this statement can frustrate those who are grieving. Pray for them that God would reveal great things to them on their journey. That is the best gift you can give them.
It is truly my prayer that God would use my sufferings to encourage others. I want my life to have purpose; His purpose.
Time has not healed me, but time has revealed to me that with His help I can learn to live with the pain. In the weakness of my sufferings, He is made strong in me. And so, even Erik's death has a greater purpose that daily God reveals to me little pieces of that truth. In those moments of revelation, I am comforted.
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