It has been a really long time since I wrote on this blog. Talking with a fellow writer today, I was struck by how much I miss writing! I have allowed the hustle and bustle of this life to interfere with my passion and my calling. If there is one thing I have learned through this journey, it's that my story speaks to others. I have been told by many that my story has inspired them and encouraged them. That gives me hope...
So much has been happening in my life. Perhaps my blog needs to take on a new purpose. Perhaps the people I can reach are those who also struggle with watching their kids experience grief and blending a family. Those have been the 2 biggest challenges of my life. As a mom, it is very difficult to watch your kids endure any kind of pain. Whether that pain is physical or mental. Blending a family has been a huge challenge. I have learned a lot about myself this past year.
Now that I have a renewed inspiration to write, perhaps I will reflect and choose some topics to write about in the very near future.
If you are reading this, thank you for taking the time! It means a lot to me.
Until next time...
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Breathe Through Another Day...
I listened to a song yesterday; one I hadn't heard in a while. It really spoke to me. It is so perfect for my life now that I am on a journey of grief. These are the words ( I took out the repeating lines):
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here
The first 4 paragraphs speak about the pain.... the walk...the journey I am on. The last 2 paragraphs are the hope we have... one day...when I get to Heaven... He will take it all away...
but while I remain here in my suffering... I need Him to help me walk through this grief journey.
The line that keeps going through my head is : Breathe, sometimes I feel it's all that I can do. This is so true. There are just moments in my life where I feel as if I just can't go on, so I just tell myself to breathe. When I see one of my children crying or hurting, "breathe". When I look at a picture of Erik, "breathe".When I remember our life before, "breathe". When I think of the future that will never be, "breathe". When I am faced with more pain, "breathe". When all makes no sense, "breathe". Just because I have found a new love in my life, doesn't mean I have stopped grieving. My journey will never end this side of Heaven. I am thankful that I do have someone to share this life with. I am thankful that my kids have someone to care for them. But this life is not perfect and it is not easy. There are just some days that are hard to breathe through.
Maybe you have found that too. Maybe you are having a hard time breathing today. Maybe your pain is so deep that you can hardly move. The next line tells us what we must do.... keep our eyes completely fixed on You (Jesus)!!!! That has truly been the only way I have been able to walk this far on my journey. He truly is pulling me through. When I allow my eyes to wander, that is when I have the most difficult time breathing. And believe me, my eyes do wander! My mind wanders!! I am not perfect! I don't always do everything right! But God has been so faithful to me! I am thankful that He continues to use music to speak to me and help heal me. The name of this song is The Hurt and the Healer by Mercy Me. How perfect a title. How perfect a song for those who have experienced grief! And so, today I will keep telling myself to breathe!
Friday, April 5, 2013
"Family" Impossible
Have you ever watched the Food Network show, Restaurant Impossible? If not, allow me to give a short description. Robert Irvine is a master chef, restaurant owner, and veteran who goes into failing restaurants and takes 2 days and $10,000 to fix it up and help them succeed. Some places are worse than others. During the course of the 2 days he has a way of getting to the root of the issues and pointing them out and coming up with ways to help the people overcome their failures. If you have never seen it, I highly recommend it. Last night as I watched an episode, I had a revelation about my family and the loss we faced when Erik died.
The restaurant that needed help was a family owned business. The mother and father owned it for 40 years, but 3 years ago the father died. Leaving the oldest son to take over along with the help of his brother. When the dad died, something changed for everyone that left the business failing to the point of nearly closing. One thing Robert observed was that after the dad died, everyone lost their passion for the place. It was also obvious that no one really knew how to cook and run the place like him. Even the customers didn't want to go because they missed this man so much and what he brought to the place. The restaurant was not only failing financially, it was absolutely filthy! It was like no one cared anymore. It was at that moment in the show that it hit me! When Erik died, I lost my passion. I lost my passion for home schooling, for structure with my family, for living, and ultimately my passion for Jesus. I just started to let everything go... I stopped caring about so many things. And like the kitchen in that restaurant the dirt and grime had built up to the point of being hazardous to the health of others. This is exactly how I feel about my kids and my family and even myself. I am not saying that my kids are horrible people. I am not saying my family is horrible. What I am saying is that I have neglected the very things that made my family successful! We aren't losing money, but we have been losing our joy! We have been losing our peace! Just like the restaurant, the brother lost his passion and it began to effect the wait staff. They started not caring either! My kids have watched my example. They have seen my complacent attitude. They have seen my negative attitude. They have seen me put my relationship with Jesus on the back burner of my life. And so, they have followed suit! I can't get Robert Irvine over here to do an episode of Family Impossible and help us out...but I can have the Holy Spirit come in and reveal these things to us! Which He did! He used that simple show to open my eyes! Now I need to seek Him and ask Him for His help to change things around to make my family a success again! Just like the show, I need to change the menu, the interior, and most of all: my attitude! I must lead by example! I must discipline myself to implement the new changes so that I don't fall back into my old ways! At the end of each show, they give you an update on the business...sometimes people revert back to their old ways instead of taking Robert's advice. I know that these changes will not take place over night, but I do know that one baby step at a time will make a difference!
Perhaps you are experiencing the loss of someone close to you. Perhaps you understand what I mean when I say you lost your passion when they died. What that person brought to your life and your family is irreplaceable! But that doesn't mean you are destined to fail! You just have to move forward and understand and accept that life will never be the same! It will just be different! And different isn't always bad! It is just different! Maybe you're reading this and you realize you too need a "makeover"! Don't wait! Start today to implement some new changes that will guarantee success!
Someone recently told me that I am statistically like others who have grieved before me. This is about the time (2 1/2 - 5 years) when a grieving person begins to emerge from the fog they have been in. They begin to make the journey back to the land of the living. I have seen God open my eyes to other things over the past month and a half. He has been showing me how I have let certain things go. It is like I was walking around half dazed after Erik died, but now I am coming out of it. I can look back and see where I lost my passion. I can now see the affect it has had on me, my kids, and my family. I also know that there is HOPE! The story is not over! Today begins a new chapter on my journey! My life still has purpose and meaning! I can help turn things around! It is quite liberating when you discover this! Grief does not have to consume you and destroy you! You just need a little help to remodel a few things! And unlike the show, you will have more than 2 days to do it! But don't put it off another day! Start right now to make some changes in your life! This will become your NEW and IMPROVED self! And the overflow of your life will begin to increase!
The restaurant that needed help was a family owned business. The mother and father owned it for 40 years, but 3 years ago the father died. Leaving the oldest son to take over along with the help of his brother. When the dad died, something changed for everyone that left the business failing to the point of nearly closing. One thing Robert observed was that after the dad died, everyone lost their passion for the place. It was also obvious that no one really knew how to cook and run the place like him. Even the customers didn't want to go because they missed this man so much and what he brought to the place. The restaurant was not only failing financially, it was absolutely filthy! It was like no one cared anymore. It was at that moment in the show that it hit me! When Erik died, I lost my passion. I lost my passion for home schooling, for structure with my family, for living, and ultimately my passion for Jesus. I just started to let everything go... I stopped caring about so many things. And like the kitchen in that restaurant the dirt and grime had built up to the point of being hazardous to the health of others. This is exactly how I feel about my kids and my family and even myself. I am not saying that my kids are horrible people. I am not saying my family is horrible. What I am saying is that I have neglected the very things that made my family successful! We aren't losing money, but we have been losing our joy! We have been losing our peace! Just like the restaurant, the brother lost his passion and it began to effect the wait staff. They started not caring either! My kids have watched my example. They have seen my complacent attitude. They have seen my negative attitude. They have seen me put my relationship with Jesus on the back burner of my life. And so, they have followed suit! I can't get Robert Irvine over here to do an episode of Family Impossible and help us out...but I can have the Holy Spirit come in and reveal these things to us! Which He did! He used that simple show to open my eyes! Now I need to seek Him and ask Him for His help to change things around to make my family a success again! Just like the show, I need to change the menu, the interior, and most of all: my attitude! I must lead by example! I must discipline myself to implement the new changes so that I don't fall back into my old ways! At the end of each show, they give you an update on the business...sometimes people revert back to their old ways instead of taking Robert's advice. I know that these changes will not take place over night, but I do know that one baby step at a time will make a difference!
Perhaps you are experiencing the loss of someone close to you. Perhaps you understand what I mean when I say you lost your passion when they died. What that person brought to your life and your family is irreplaceable! But that doesn't mean you are destined to fail! You just have to move forward and understand and accept that life will never be the same! It will just be different! And different isn't always bad! It is just different! Maybe you're reading this and you realize you too need a "makeover"! Don't wait! Start today to implement some new changes that will guarantee success!
Someone recently told me that I am statistically like others who have grieved before me. This is about the time (2 1/2 - 5 years) when a grieving person begins to emerge from the fog they have been in. They begin to make the journey back to the land of the living. I have seen God open my eyes to other things over the past month and a half. He has been showing me how I have let certain things go. It is like I was walking around half dazed after Erik died, but now I am coming out of it. I can look back and see where I lost my passion. I can now see the affect it has had on me, my kids, and my family. I also know that there is HOPE! The story is not over! Today begins a new chapter on my journey! My life still has purpose and meaning! I can help turn things around! It is quite liberating when you discover this! Grief does not have to consume you and destroy you! You just need a little help to remodel a few things! And unlike the show, you will have more than 2 days to do it! But don't put it off another day! Start right now to make some changes in your life! This will become your NEW and IMPROVED self! And the overflow of your life will begin to increase!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
The Other Side of Grief
It has been 2 1/2 years since my Erik died..... I haven't been to a wake since the one we held for him... but this past week, a friend of mine became a widow.... she was there during my time of sorrow... so of course I had to go and show her my support and pay my respects.... I knew it would not be easy... I was so thankful that I did not have to endure it alone... I was thankful that my amazing new husband was there by my side....
It was strange though, being on that side of grief. It gave me so many emotions. As we waited in the long line at the funeral home, there was a huge flat screen TV that was playing music and pictures of this man's life. Pictures of memories. Pictures of smiles and laughter. I was so heartbroken for all the people who loved him most. For his close friends and family that felt his loss so deeply. I thought to myself, "This must be what everyone was thinking as they watched the slide show at Erik's wake." I stood there watching my friend embrace one person after another. I watched as many laughed and cried as they remembered this great man.I do not claim to know exactly how she was feeling, but I do know the depth of the pain of losing a husband. It is a sorrow I don't wish on anyone. My heart ached for her 2 precious children who must now endure life without their daddy to be there. I know so well the pain a mother must endure as she watches her children grieve. I know the utter helplessness. We got closer...closer to the open casket that held his body. Images of Erik's body filled my mind. The last time I touched his body... the day I said goodbye.... As we
got closer, I felt it getting harder and harder to breath. Norm was so tender and caring; putting his arm around me. Giving me a look that told me he was there and he loved me and that he totally understood my pain. I had to turn away from looking at his body. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of my friend being without her beloved husband. And then it was my turn to embrace her. I hugged her so tightly. I began to weep. I hated that she was a widow. I hated knowing that she was going to return home without her husband. I hated thinking about the journey of grief that now lay ahead of her. I wanted to hold her longer. But I knew there was a line of people behind me waiting to get their turn to tell her how sorry they were. One day, when everyone goes back to their lives... I will be there for her if she needs me. I will try my best to allow God to use me to comfort her with the comfort I was given.
Norm and I left the funeral home. We talked about how sad it was... we talked about how full of life the man was. We talked about how sad we were for my friend and her kids. People must have said some of the same things after leaving Erik's wake. We talked about Erik. We talked about us. We talked about so many things. We went out and enjoyed some time together. The enormity of what I had just been through hadn't fully hit me though. It wasn't until we were lying in bed, ready to fall asleep. There in Norm's arms, I began to weep uncontrollably. I cried for my friend. I cried for her children. I cried for myself. I cried for my children. I cried and cried. I cried at how thankful I was that at that very moment, I had a husband that loved me and cared for me and allowed me to grieve....
Grief is a journey that never ends... it has many stages... it has ups and downs... it has so many emotions. It is not a road I ever imagined myself on. But here I am. I know that it has a purpose. I will allow it to be something beautiful. I will accept it as my life. I will continue to write my story. I will pray that I can somehow help someone else who finds themselves on a grief journey of their own.
Now I have seen the other side of grief.
It was strange though, being on that side of grief. It gave me so many emotions. As we waited in the long line at the funeral home, there was a huge flat screen TV that was playing music and pictures of this man's life. Pictures of memories. Pictures of smiles and laughter. I was so heartbroken for all the people who loved him most. For his close friends and family that felt his loss so deeply. I thought to myself, "This must be what everyone was thinking as they watched the slide show at Erik's wake." I stood there watching my friend embrace one person after another. I watched as many laughed and cried as they remembered this great man.I do not claim to know exactly how she was feeling, but I do know the depth of the pain of losing a husband. It is a sorrow I don't wish on anyone. My heart ached for her 2 precious children who must now endure life without their daddy to be there. I know so well the pain a mother must endure as she watches her children grieve. I know the utter helplessness. We got closer...closer to the open casket that held his body. Images of Erik's body filled my mind. The last time I touched his body... the day I said goodbye.... As we
got closer, I felt it getting harder and harder to breath. Norm was so tender and caring; putting his arm around me. Giving me a look that told me he was there and he loved me and that he totally understood my pain. I had to turn away from looking at his body. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of my friend being without her beloved husband. And then it was my turn to embrace her. I hugged her so tightly. I began to weep. I hated that she was a widow. I hated knowing that she was going to return home without her husband. I hated thinking about the journey of grief that now lay ahead of her. I wanted to hold her longer. But I knew there was a line of people behind me waiting to get their turn to tell her how sorry they were. One day, when everyone goes back to their lives... I will be there for her if she needs me. I will try my best to allow God to use me to comfort her with the comfort I was given.
Norm and I left the funeral home. We talked about how sad it was... we talked about how full of life the man was. We talked about how sad we were for my friend and her kids. People must have said some of the same things after leaving Erik's wake. We talked about Erik. We talked about us. We talked about so many things. We went out and enjoyed some time together. The enormity of what I had just been through hadn't fully hit me though. It wasn't until we were lying in bed, ready to fall asleep. There in Norm's arms, I began to weep uncontrollably. I cried for my friend. I cried for her children. I cried for myself. I cried for my children. I cried and cried. I cried at how thankful I was that at that very moment, I had a husband that loved me and cared for me and allowed me to grieve....
Grief is a journey that never ends... it has many stages... it has ups and downs... it has so many emotions. It is not a road I ever imagined myself on. But here I am. I know that it has a purpose. I will allow it to be something beautiful. I will accept it as my life. I will continue to write my story. I will pray that I can somehow help someone else who finds themselves on a grief journey of their own.
Now I have seen the other side of grief.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
A Scar, Revisited
There is a scar
It is upon my heart...
Once upon a time...
My heart was broken,
My world was shattered,
My life was forever changed...
The wound was deep...
The pain was raw...
The tears were many...
The healing was treacherous...
A process I am still undergoing...
The area is still tender...
From time to time I feel it...
I see what now remains...
It reminds me of what is past...
It shows me I am not the same...
The scar is not ugly...
Its appearance I can bear...
The wound has now transformed into...
Something beautiful...
It is good to visit my scar...
It is good to remember my pain...
It is good to know where I've come from...
It helps me to see I can heal...
Underneath that scar...
Lies hidden...
The healing that is still taking place...
For always I will miss you...
Grief does not end...
But the sting of death...
Over time...
Begins to fades...
It is upon my heart...
Once upon a time...
My heart was broken,
My world was shattered,
My life was forever changed...
The wound was deep...
The pain was raw...
The tears were many...
The healing was treacherous...
A process I am still undergoing...
The area is still tender...
From time to time I feel it...
I see what now remains...
It reminds me of what is past...
It shows me I am not the same...
The scar is not ugly...
Its appearance I can bear...
The wound has now transformed into...
Something beautiful...
It is good to visit my scar...
It is good to remember my pain...
It is good to know where I've come from...
It helps me to see I can heal...
Underneath that scar...
Lies hidden...
The healing that is still taking place...
For always I will miss you...
Grief does not end...
But the sting of death...
Over time...
Begins to fades...
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Why?
Answers?
I have none.
Questions?
I have many?
Why?
This question looms...
Is there ever an answer that would make any sense or make us feel better about the loss?
The hardest part of life, is death.
We all will die someday...
Some sooner than others...
For those left behind,
We struggle and try to grasp why...
When the one who has passed is young, or kind, or amazing, or giving, or all those things combined and so much more...
We are left with a huge void of understanding...
We just can't make any sense of it...
Their death seems so senseless and pointless...
Unfair...
That is what we cry out from the depths of our souls...
This only brings us back to the beginning:
WHY???
I don't know why...
I may never know fully why...
So what can I do???
I can
TRUST...
in the One who created life...
"The LORD gives and the LORD takes away"...
I can
BELIEVE...
That He is GOOD!
And no matter what:
He LOVES me!
So, answers I have not, but what I do have...
HOPE.......
I have none.
Questions?
I have many?
Why?
This question looms...
Is there ever an answer that would make any sense or make us feel better about the loss?
The hardest part of life, is death.
We all will die someday...
Some sooner than others...
For those left behind,
We struggle and try to grasp why...
When the one who has passed is young, or kind, or amazing, or giving, or all those things combined and so much more...
We are left with a huge void of understanding...
We just can't make any sense of it...
Their death seems so senseless and pointless...
Unfair...
That is what we cry out from the depths of our souls...
This only brings us back to the beginning:
WHY???
I don't know why...
I may never know fully why...
So what can I do???
I can
TRUST...
in the One who created life...
"The LORD gives and the LORD takes away"...
I can
BELIEVE...
That He is GOOD!
And no matter what:
He LOVES me!
So, answers I have not, but what I do have...
HOPE.......
Saturday, December 22, 2012
In Life, There is Death
How much is too much? How much pain must one person endure? Is there ever a point when enough is enough? What purpose can trauma serve? These questions are flooding my mind this morning... In the dark hours of the early morning, I lay awake in my bed and couldn't sleep. The events of the night unfolding in my mind. Images of horror that grip my heart and keep me from sleeping. Thinking about my daughter and all the trauma she has endured in her very short life....
When Valerie was just 5 years old, her precious grandmother died. It was heartbreaking to see her and her brothers so very sad. Then, just a few years later, her grandpa died. This had a bigger impact as he lived with us for over 2 years and they were very close. At his funeral, Valerie recited from memory the entire 139th Psalm. I was amazed at her strength. And then of course, just 9 months later, she would run out in her pj's to find her daddy lying in the driveway dead...
And you would think...that is enough for such a young girl to take... she was 3 weeks shy of her 9th birthday when her daddy passed away....
But then she would have to endure saying goodbye to her beloved horse, Cupcake. Not once, but twice. The first time was of course, when we had to get rid of our horses and our farm due to Erik's death. It was so hard... And then, my horse died....and then, her gerbil died a tragic death by the claws of our beloved cat! ( I must also add that between my dad and her dad dying, one of her first little gerbils died) And then, our kitty died....and then her beloved horse had to be put down... saying goodbye that day was one of the hardest moments I have had to witness.... and then, our dog died....and just about 2 months ago, another one of Valerie's little gerbils died.....
But last night was the icing on the cake (so to speak).... Not only was her favorite newest little gerbil dead, but the other gerbil instinctively had begun to eat it. Seriously?!?!?! It was like a horror scene from a movie! Valerie's blood curdling screams filled the house...my heart sank... I ran... it was AWFUL! How could this happen????? It is bad enough when they die, but this?!?! It was just too much to take! The image is burned into my memory forever.... Flips was such a cute gerbil. Valerie loves them all so much. They are not just rodents to her.... they are her family.... and now the other gerbil isn't looking too good. Not sure if eating it's friend has left it dying....
Oh, and let's not forget...Christmas is just 3 days away....( a holiday that is already going to be tough to endure!!!! )
That elephant that sits on my chest that I wrote about in my previous entry; well it is now stomping on my chest!
I am not sure I will be able to end this entry on any kind of a positive note... all I can say is this:
In life, there is death. There is a cute side to gerbils and there is a very ugly side.... I cannot protect my daughter from pain and suffering... I can only hold her as she sobs and screams.... I pray she is able to erase that horrible image! I pray she overcomes her fear of entering her room..... I pray that we can somehow make some sense of all of this....
I know that her name means "strong".... and I hope she continues to be......................
When Valerie was just 5 years old, her precious grandmother died. It was heartbreaking to see her and her brothers so very sad. Then, just a few years later, her grandpa died. This had a bigger impact as he lived with us for over 2 years and they were very close. At his funeral, Valerie recited from memory the entire 139th Psalm. I was amazed at her strength. And then of course, just 9 months later, she would run out in her pj's to find her daddy lying in the driveway dead...
And you would think...that is enough for such a young girl to take... she was 3 weeks shy of her 9th birthday when her daddy passed away....
But then she would have to endure saying goodbye to her beloved horse, Cupcake. Not once, but twice. The first time was of course, when we had to get rid of our horses and our farm due to Erik's death. It was so hard... And then, my horse died....and then, her gerbil died a tragic death by the claws of our beloved cat! ( I must also add that between my dad and her dad dying, one of her first little gerbils died) And then, our kitty died....and then her beloved horse had to be put down... saying goodbye that day was one of the hardest moments I have had to witness.... and then, our dog died....and just about 2 months ago, another one of Valerie's little gerbils died.....
But last night was the icing on the cake (so to speak).... Not only was her favorite newest little gerbil dead, but the other gerbil instinctively had begun to eat it. Seriously?!?!?! It was like a horror scene from a movie! Valerie's blood curdling screams filled the house...my heart sank... I ran... it was AWFUL! How could this happen????? It is bad enough when they die, but this?!?! It was just too much to take! The image is burned into my memory forever.... Flips was such a cute gerbil. Valerie loves them all so much. They are not just rodents to her.... they are her family.... and now the other gerbil isn't looking too good. Not sure if eating it's friend has left it dying....
Oh, and let's not forget...Christmas is just 3 days away....( a holiday that is already going to be tough to endure!!!! )
That elephant that sits on my chest that I wrote about in my previous entry; well it is now stomping on my chest!
I am not sure I will be able to end this entry on any kind of a positive note... all I can say is this:
In life, there is death. There is a cute side to gerbils and there is a very ugly side.... I cannot protect my daughter from pain and suffering... I can only hold her as she sobs and screams.... I pray she is able to erase that horrible image! I pray she overcomes her fear of entering her room..... I pray that we can somehow make some sense of all of this....
I know that her name means "strong".... and I hope she continues to be......................
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